NETWIT FROM NITWIT

THE BEGINNING OR THE END?

2011-11-19T01:51:00.000-05:00

Experience hath shewn, that even under the best forms of government those entrusted with power have, in time, and by slow operations, perverted it into tyranny.

Thomas Jefferson

There is a new show on MSNBC called Up with Chris Hays On Saturday and Sunday mornings. His show at 7 A.M. Saturday is going to have some kind of big exclusive about a company or organization of some kind trying to sell their plan to destroy the Occupy movement to government officials.

I also read today that some Mayors organization and Homeland Security have been coordinating actions against The Occupy movements in various cities like the simultaneous shutdowns that occurred earlier this week.

There are also stories of New York City cops going undercover into churches asking to use the restrooms and then doing head counts of the Occupy members sleeping in those churches.

I keep thinking back to the Bush administration after the Katrina disaster when Homeland Security was really getting their shit together. I remember at least twice reading press releases in the news about simultaneous arrests of more than 20,000 people with felony warrants out on them all across the country. They were lauding the success of the operations.

I was thinking about the coordination and intelligence gathering required to accomplish this, and the fact that the various police jurisdictions would have to know where these felony suspects were well in advance and just leave them alone until the operation started. I find this troubling.

I never heard any reports about how many convictions resulted from the exercises. That really doesn’t seem to be there point. I call them exercises because they seem to be more of a test of systems to be implemented when Homeland Security decides to arrest any large group that they think is a threat to the system.

As I watch and read the news accounts of what has been happening across the nation with proposed and enacted laws, and the extreme reactions of authorities and certain segments of the media to the Occupy movement I keep thinking about the stories I remember about FEMA camps and all the mass arrest exercises by Homeland Security. I worry, I do.

I believe there is a breaking point coming soon and a lot of people are going to be surprised. Giant corporations and their pet officials and the majority of the 1% really don’t care about the 99% and will find reasons to justify protecting their privileged positions.

The big question is, how many of the 99% will go along with them against their better interests?

Personally, I haven’t got a clue, but I do have hope.

STRANGE DAYS

2011-05-02T07:12:00.000-04:00

Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.
Mark Twain

It was a strange week.

I bet you thought so too.

It pretty much started in a predictable way. The Republicans trying to steal pennies from widows and children and the Demarcates wringing their hands and shaking their heads wishing things would work out without all this fuss.

Then it started to get weird.

Everyone was going around making vague statements about where they stood on the Birth-er issue, except Donald Trump and of course Orly Tates. Trump was also continuing to talk about how good his relationship is with the Blacks. It sounded like it should be capitalized every time he said it.

Then President Obama released his Long Form Birth Certificate and screwed up Trumps investigation.

That was OK though because he had become convinced that Obama was a lousy student and thus couldn't have gotten into Ivy League schools on his own. Still waiting to hear where that goes.

I even heard some people wondering why he released the documentation now, that maybe he was trying to take attention away from something else.

It's true that he did announce a reorganization of his National Security team. It didn't get a lot of attention.

I'm hoping that the real reason that Gates is finally being replaced as Secretary of Defense is that Obama is looking to change our involvement in Afghanistan and Iraq. But that is probably wishful thinking.

Then they had that White House Corespondents dinner where Obama killed with his I'm an American bit and the way he stuck the knife in and twisted it on Trump and Michelle Bachmann. He also did a pretty good job of making fun of himself. I liked his time a lot better than Seth Meyers. I'm afraid it may come back to bite him though. He committed the unpardonable sin of pointing out how funny people who take themselves more seriously that the rest of the world really are.

Another strange thing that I have been noticing about the Trump running for President show. He works for NBC yet I see him On Letterman all the time on CBS and he spends a lot of time doing interviews with Fox Noise. He did a telephone interview Sunday morning on Fox and Friends crying about being ganged up on by Obama and Seth Meyers.

Then Obama had the bad taste on Sunday night of going on TV and announcing that he had ordered and the Navy Seals had carried out an operation that resulted in the death of Osama Bin Laden. A mission that Bush and his team never even came close to accomplishing. I did notice that some of the statements issued had Bush prominently mentioned as providing the leadership that Obama followed.

Now this was all pretty strange and unusual but can't compare to what happened to me on Thursday. I checked my mail and I had no bills, no credit card or AARP offers, or any other mail at all. This was the first time that had happened since I came home from the hospital 16 months ago.

Maybe the world is going to end on May 21^st.

CONSPRIACY CONSPRIACIES

2011-04-27T21:58:00.003-04:00

Where justice is denied, where poverty is enforced, where ignorance prevails, and where any one class is made to feel that society is an organized conspiracy to oppress, rob and degrade them, neither persons nor property will be safe.
Frederick Douglass

Today was a momentous day.

Today President Obama went to the trouble to release a copy of his Long Form Birth certificate. Which proves not only where he was born but when down to the minute and who witnessed the birth.

I say went to the trouble because this document is not normally released even in photostat form. He had to send his personal Attorney to Hawaii to request a waiver to obtain that photostat.

It was granted because Barrack Obama is President and this constituted a special circumstance.

He then had to take time out of his busy day for a press conference to release the photostat to the public.

He said that this should put the issue to rest and would stop the distractions from the real problems this country faces.

Of course the birth certificate was the sole subject of most of the news shows for the rest of the night.

The last word had Orly Tate on to discuss the end of her crusade against President Obama's U.S. Citizenship. She would only discuss the court hearings she still has pending in her Birth-er fight.

Donald Trump claimed he had forced the issue and it was a great victory for him. He then went back to his new claims that President Obama was a lousy student who should have never gotten into Ivy league schools.

I have been forced to re-evaluate my position on this birth-er issue.

First I have to consider the state of Hawaii, Aside from growing Pineapples their whole economy is based on tourism. Having the first biracial President a native born Hawaiian is a boon to their tourism industry. Not all states can claim that a President (even a bad one) was born there. Added to that is the shiny new Library they will get one day as one more attraction. So the state is motivated to claim him.

Add the fact that it took them so long to produce the additional proof in addition to the normal birth certificate that everyone gets when required.

I'm thinking now that there is something to this birth-er stuff. The state was obviously motivated to claim Barrack Obama as a natural born Hawaiian. Maybe it took this long to find someone who could use Photo Shop that they could trust to keep quite.
Unlike Donald Trump I have no way to finance crackerjack investigators to dig out the truth so I don't know what I can do.

In the same vane I have started looking at some other theory’s I have scoff at in the past with a new perspective.

First is the retirement of the space shuttles after only thirty years. There are only two missions left and then we will have to buy tickets on the Russian space capsules to go to the space station.

They claim that these craft which have hundreds of thousands of moving parts and were designed and built by the lowest bidders need to be mothballed.

I have it on good authority that the real reason is that the aliens who call the shots are sick of dodging all the junk and staying out of sight of the shuttles which have windows and cameras that could spoil everything they have going for them here. They love to abduct rednecks and send video back home of their reactions when the get anal probes. Not to mention the Art they create in corn fields. Hell they make lots of money on the DVD sales alone.

Another issue I have been reading about is the shutdown of the SETI program. They say it's due to budget cuts and an unproductive program.

Now I have my doubts about this too.

I think that the reason they are stopping it is that the aliens are tired of us listening in on their private conversations and pirating their entertainment broadcasts without paying a nominal download fee.

Plus the signal we send out that says “Hey we are here! What's happening?” interferes with their mind control transmission into our heads much the way a tin foil hat has been proven to. That's also why they started the recycling program for aluminum so they can treat it to be an ineffective shield.

I will have more insights as soon as I can examine all the strange things I see going on around me.
I just worry that the guys in the black helicopters might come for me first.

AMERICAN MADE

2011-04-23T02:25:00.000-04:00

I remember when I first came to Washington. For the first six months you wonder how the hell you ever got here. For the next six months you wonder how the hell the rest of them ever got here.
Harry S. Truman

Well, I wasn't going to say anything . I made up my mind that it was a stupid non-issue that could only be embraced by the fringe conspiracy loving paranoids. But some things just never seem to go away and in this case it has even grown beyond anyone's expectations.

I'm talking about the mystery of where President Obama was born. Was it Hawaii as he claims, or somewhere else where they, gasp, talk funny and eat weird food?

In the latest New York Times-CBS News poll, 45 percent of adult Republicans said they believe Obama was born in another country, and 22 percent said they don't know. One-third of Republicans said they believe the president is native born.
Ten percent of Democrats said Obama was born overseas, and 9 percent were unsure.

He produced the same birth certificate that everyone else has access to when they have to get a drivers license or any of a few other things. It says he was born in Hawaii oddly enough on his birthday. The Governor says he has seen the original that is on file and I don't know any state that will release that document. They are meant to be kept safe and secure. You know, in case you run for President or something.

People keep claiming that he was born somewhere else. Kenya or maybe even Mars for all I know. I think his birth in Hawaii is a proven fact but I also think, who cares. He's been faithfully carrying out the duties of the President for some time now. Not entirely, I will admit the way I had hoped in 2008, but he sure hasn't sold us out to the terrorists or whatever it is everyone is afraid of. The reason I don't care is pretty simple.

The Constitution says:

No person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President; neither shall any Person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty-five Years, and been fourteen Years a Resident within the United States.

People keep saying that he can't be President because he was born somewhere else and his father was a citizen of Kenya. This confuses me as a basis for their claims. For one thing, What

is a natural born Citizen? Is it a product of natural childbirth? They put that second part of the requirement in because Eight of the first dozen Presidents were born before the Constitution was adopted. Hell, they were British Citizens.

Nobody seems to bring up the thing that settles it for me. I have heard nobody claim that President Obama's mother was anything but a United States Citizen. Now correct me if I'm wrong but in my experience if one of your parents is a U.S. Citizen then you are also a U.S. Citizen. You may also have the right to Citizenship in your other parents native land. Now it may have been clearer if they had said that to be President you had to be born of a U.S. Citizen but, none of the drafters of the Constitution could meet that requirement. Unless he has lied about his age he has met the only requirements as far as I can tell.

In one of their more ridiculous statements The House's top Republicans Speaker John Boehner and Majority Leader Eric Cantor say they are satisfied that Obama was born in Hawaii. But they have declined to criticize those who state otherwise, and Boehner has said it's not his job to tell Americans what to think.

I've never heard them open their mouths without telling Americans what to think.

Somebody is full of shit but I don't think it's me.

RAINBOW REFLECTIONS

2011-02-02T21:28:00.000-05:00

Every moment of light and dark is a miracle.
Walt Whitman

Don't know if Rainbows are good luck or not, but I saw two this morning.
I had a wound clinic appointment this morning and since I changed my dressing on Saturday there has been a breakdown that has lost me about three or four months of healing. So we changed back to putting a silver dressing on. Waiting to see if I have an infection or if it is just the treatment not working anymore which happens sometimes.
After my appointment I dropped in to the ICU to visit any of the Nurses who kept me alive for my two month stay there. The place was almost full which is bad but it meant that a lot of my old buddies were working. I got lots of hugs and your looking greats and I loved seeing the smiles on their faces. So many of the people who go through there don't have happy endings I love seeing them react to seeing me and telling me what a miracle it was for me to get up out of the bed. I love letting them know that they were the ones who made the miracle happen.
It's funny when I visit because every time I leave they all stop and watch me all the way out the doors because they love seeing me be able to do it. Today I noticed a few patients in their beds watching me too, maybe thinking of a day in their future.
Bad day? Good day?
Sometimes it can be both.

TARGETED CUTS

2011-01-26T20:29:00.001-05:00

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there's a gun around, I want to be in control of it.
Clint Eastwood

I have been thinking about the horrific events in an Tucson Safeway parking lot. I think it's all terrible but it has become common place for prominent people to be identified as targets in the extremest political world. So public figures like Congresswomen Giffords and a Federal judge should be aware of the dangers to themselves. On the other hand a middle aged voter talking to her representative or a nine year old girl discovering the workings of democracy for the first time have a right to expect a safe and secure environment.

The first outcry I heard (after people wondered how he got a gun) was about how the elected representatives in Washington had no protection and they started offering suggestions such as having the Capitol Police start providing protection details for officials or carrying weapons themselves. One thing they are doing is erecting a glass wall between the House floor and the gallery so if someone protests from up there they won't hear it.

Since the shootings in Arizona without much coverage just off the top of my head there were two students shot when one brought a gun to school, A man in Washington shooting up a police station and another guy in a Wal-Mart parking lot who when confronted by police opened fire resulting in the death of a woman who may or may not have been with him and dieing himself.

The topper to me showing the choke hold the gun lobby has over conservatives happened today in Utah where they passed a resolution naming a Browning semi-automatic handgun as the state gun in honor of Mr. Browning the creator. As you would expect some liberals voted against the resolution and surprisingly one Republican. No Hell didn't freeze over. The reason he gave for voting against the resolution was that it might offend other gun makers.

My head hurts. Maybe it's a tumor.

On the bright side I have come up with an idea that might make me so rich I wouldn't give a crap about all this political crap anymore.

I think I will register as a Lobbyist in Washington and build up a client list consisting of whatever big Wall Street banks and investment companies and the manufacturing companies sitting on those trillions of dollars. I'll get them to set me up with funds and then approach the politicians and offer to provide private protection from Balckwater (they're known as Xe Services now, I don't know why.) and they won't have to worry about a thing. Just remember who is keeping the angry crazies away. There are a lot of them out there. Just look at the people who showed up to the town hall meetings over health care and Glenn Becks Teabag rally.

I'm gonna be rich!

Brain thickness determines political leaning: study

2010-12-31T08:21:00.000-05:00

The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
George Jessel

This will most likely be my last post this year, unless I find another product like the Top Charming Breast Stimulator or come up with some stupid observation. I'll probably put it up on my blog too. That way I can annoy one or two more people.
I found this article very interesting and will have more to say at the end of it.
It's from www.smh.com.au

Brain thickness determines political leaning: study
December 29, 2010
Neuroscientists are examining whether political allegiances are hard-wired into people after finding evidence that the brains of conservatives are a different shape to those of left-wingers.
Scans of 90 students' brains at University College London (UCL) uncovered a "strong correlation" between the thickness of two particular areas of grey matter and an individual's views.
Self-proclaimed right-wingers had a more pronounced amygdala - a primitive part of the brain associated with emotion while their political opponents from the opposite end of the spectrum had thicker anterior cingulates.
The research was carried out by Geraint Rees director of the UCL Institute of Cognitive Neuroscience who said he was "very surprised" by the finding, which is being peer reviewed before publication next year.
It was commissioned as a light-hearted experiment by actor Colin Firth as part of his turn guest editing BBC Radio's Today program but has now developed into a serious effort to discover whether we are programmed with a particular political view.
Professor Rees said that although it was not precise enough to be able to predict someone's stance simply from a scan, there was "a strong correlation that reaches all our scientific tests of significance".
"The anterior cingulate is a part of the brain that is on the middle surface of the brain at the front and we found that the thickness of the grey matter, where the nerve cells of neurons are, was thicker the more people described themselves as liberal or left wing and thinner the more they described themselves as conservative or right wing," he told the program.
"The amygdala is a part of the brain which is very old and very ancient and thought to be very primitive and to do with the detection of emotions. The right amygdala was larger in those people who described themselves as conservative.
"It is very significant because it does suggest there is something about political attitudes that are either encoded in our brain structure through our experience or that our brain structure in some way determines or results in our political attitudes."
Mr Firth - who recently declared he had ended public support for the Liberal Democrats - said he would like to have party leader and now Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg subjected to the tests.
"I think we should have him scanned," he said.
He said the coalition made him "extremely uneasy" but would not rule out voting Lib Dem in future.
"I would have to see what identity they took on because I don't recognise them at the moment. I think all three parties are in a state of re-evaluation."
Talking about the experiment, he said: "I took this on as a fairly frivolous exercise: I just decided to find out what was biologically wrong with people who don't agree with me and see what scientists had to say about it and they actually came up with something."

I don't think this was written as clearly as it could have been. Though I'm not surprised it was someone outside the scientific community who suggested the study. I have always known that some people think in a way that I would consider alien. I never really understood why, but I consider my way to be much superior.
Reading this only reinforces my opinion that the human race is divided into at least two distinct sub-species that are following their own evolutionary paths. I think I can be forgiven if I think the path I consider myself to be on is the best.
If I understand this correctly the liberal or progressive brain is more concerned with the general good and improvement for all.
The area they were talking about in the conservative brain that is more developed is the area that concerns itself with reading emotions or the way I understand it the area that controls the Fright or Flight impulse. I look at the fact that conservatives often will try to control others by turning them against a common foe. This is above all someone or some group that is different from the group they wish to control. I have always found this a clumsy though for the most part effective practice. You see it every day if you read or watch political news.
The liberal mind seems to be more active in an area that has empathy and is concerned with overall improvement for all and has the ability to be more flexible but also more scattered.
This is a very broad generalization of course. I'm curious to see another study of the brain that includes people who have no interest in politics or firm liberal or consertive leanings and see where their brain is thickest.
I think it might show a third sub-species.
I wonder which one would prove to be the more advanced.
Then again I could be full of shit.

DINNER WITH THE IN-LAWS

2010-11-30T10:52:00.000-05:00

All the president is, is a glorified public relations man who spends his time flattering, kissing, and kicking people to get them to do what they are supposed to do anyway.
Harry S. Truman

President Obama is hosting the new Congressional Leadership taking over in January for a short private meeting at The White House. I can understand why he would want it to be private if he's going to bend over to the GOP the way he has in the last couple of years.

I could have sworn they were going to have a dinner so I had my secrete undercover people in the administration see what they could learn. I guess the Dinner is still pending but they are having trouble getting all the egos to agree to set a date.

I managed to get some inside information on the plans so far. They reflect the new austerity measures at the White House matching those that almost everyone in the country has been forced to adopt due to Congressional inaction.

My contact almost got caught so excuse the quality of the pictures.
Wikkieleaks ain't got nuthin on me.

Hope my guy got away in time.

THE EVE OF DISTRACTION

2010-11-24T23:16:00.000-05:00

News is important information that may influence your investments. Noise is talk or buzz or some headline that prevents you from seeing a story clearly. News is useful. Noise is a distraction. Calling what's noise and news after the fact is easy.

Maria Bartiromo

Funny thing how this terrible new practice of making sure people who get on a plane in this country are safe has suddenly come to dominate the news the last few days. Maybe 2% of people who go through security are being searched in a more effective way. There are as always with something like this a lot of outraged voices heard and a lot of botched implementation of the TSA policies. My question is, why has this suddenly become the most important talking point coming out of the conservative message machine. Lots of outrage and lots of misinformation filling up a lot of TV talk time and print space that contained information on other issues. Whatever happened to the unemployment extension votes and the Bush tax cut fight. I had started to notice that people seemed to be paying a little more attention to what the Republicans in Congress have been up to and not in a good way. Then there is the report that just came out showing that big business profits are the highest in recorded history this year combined with the announcement that unemployment will remain high for a long time. A lot of people don’t seem to be able to take in more than one issue at a time and it funny how something always seems to come up to distract them just when they seem engaged. But no jobs or unemployment benefits and more money going into the richest pockets so we can have even more debt does not matter. Hell, being groped in the airport might be the highlight of your holiday.

PLAYING THE BLAME GAME

2010-11-08T02:52:00.000-05:00

The government, which was designed for the people, has got into the hands of the bosses and their employers, the special interests. An invisible empire has been set up above the forms of democracy. Woodrow Wilson

I'm starting to get annoyed with most of the talking heads I'm hearing since the election. Everywhere I turn is someone saying that the election was Obama's failure. I, like a lot of people have been disappointed with his attempts to work with the Republicans when even my three year old Granddaughter knew it would never happen. I think that a lot of those problems are going to be gone with Rom Emanuel.
I believe that the main reason for the Democratic defeat was much more due to the habit they have of bending over and being the Republican's bitches.
Even when in the majority they let the Republicans call the tune.
Over 400 bills just sitting because the Republicans objected, using made up rules that have one thing in common. They are all in place to thwart the will of the people.
The bills that did get through the Senate were hopelessly watered down for no reason since the Republicans didn't vote for them even then.
Hundreds of people picked by the administration to work in positions throughout the government and Judges to fill empty courts waiting because one Republican objected to their appointment. Meaning that every Federal trial is delayed due to a shortage of judges and where the other positions remain unfilled or in many cases a person who was planted by the Bush Administration before they left is filling the position.
Since the stated Republican goal is to ruin the Obama Presidency I'm sure they are just doing a hell of a job.
Add to this the so called Blue dog Democrats who are actually just moderate Republicans who have no home in that party anymore and I'm surprised there were any bills passed.
I'm just saying that to me it seems Obama had less to do with the Democratic failure than say the 535 or so men and women who were sent to do the peoples business and spent almost two years playing their fiddles while Rome burned.

I HAVE MET THE ENEMY AND THEY ARE US

2010-10-04T14:43:00.000-04:00

We must, indeed, all hang together or, most assuredly, we shall all hang separately.
Benjamin Franklin

Pretty funny stuff.

I've always liked Bill Maher though I don't always agree with him. His show is the main reason I have HBO since George Carlin Died.

In this case I do agree with him though a lot of people seem to think it's over the line calling the Republicans the enemy. I say call a turd a turd.

It seems to me that most people forget what happened during the Bush march to destruction. From the very beginning of Republican majority there was a constant attack on anything that was good for anyone other than the richest 10 percent of Americans or multinational corporations. Not to mention the U.S. Companies who pretend to be international by having a mail drop in the Cayman Islands or one of the other countries that make it nice for their money.

We got attacked and need a crusade against the terrorists who did it. So were going to attack Afghanistan

because they camp out there and spend the Saudi money that finances them. Besides look at all that copper gold and other raw materials just laying around for someone to pick up.

You want to file bankruptcy? Hold on their,are you an individual? Sorry, if you were a big company there would be no problem. You have a large pension fund for employees? Forget about it we'll take care of that you just take your money and disappear it into your magic bookkeeping.

Gee, that last war went to quick so were going to attack Iraq. I'm sure there's something bad their doing there and we have all these bombs and tanks and the US defense industry wants to make more money.

Besides look at all that Oil just laying there for someone to pick up.

You want to save money on drugs from Canada? Nope, can't do it even though their made here and shipped there. We're also going to fix the Medicare drug plan so it costs you and the government a lot more. We gotta take care of those pharmaceutical companies after all.

You have one credit card you were late on a payment on. Don't worry we'll just raise the rates on all your cards. Oh you'll find out about it a couple of months after it happens.

Hey! What do you mean your going to take that poor woman's feeding tube out. You can't we just called two members back and passed a resolution that says you can't. The President even took time away from his vacation to sign it.

OK guys go ahead and lay off all those workers and set up your factories where slave labor is legal. It'll save a bundle and you can go buy that 5^th house and private lake.

Wow! Bush just got elected to his second term by maybe a 180,000 votes if we don't have a recount. That gives him a mandate to Privatize Social Security. It says so right in the game rules.

Well that seems like it was the straw that broke the Democratic paralysis.

It's one thing that didn't happen.

That would have been really neat when the stock market crashed.

The Republicans steamrolled almost everything they wanted until 2006 while the Democrats caved.

Then the Democrats won control of the house back and nothing much happened.

Now I see two types of Democrats running for office. There are the ones who pretend they don't even know who President Obama is and then there are the ones, Congressmen and Senators who brag about how much water they have carried for the president and how they deserve to keep their jobs. The only trouble with that is, yes there were great things done in the last two years but it seems like for every bucket of water delivered there is a half a bucket slopped on the floor for no reason.

Bipartisanship doesn't seem to make much sense if it's one sided.

Now we have the Tea Party, If there was ever a reason for Progressives to get out and vote this movement is it. Also people should remember that besides the Tea Party the same old gang of George Bush Republicans are still out there and many of them are still in office.

Enemy. Damn straight. I don't think there is any doubt. We're in a war of the rich and the poor and like all other wars the casualties are the middle class (if there is such a thing anymore) and the poor.

But as usual I could be full of shit.

FURTURE FORTUNE

2010-03-18T03:53:00.001-04:00

Henceforth I ask not good fortune. I myself am good fortune.
Walt Whitman

Your fortune for today...
A surprise announcement will free you.

Aquarius
By Rick Levine
The Sun hooks up with your key planet Uranus today to electrify your 2nd House of Finances. Be careful about buying something you don't really need, for you might not realize how much you spent until the deal is already done. On the other hand, Uranus could also bring a sudden windfall. Either way, it's easy come, easy go, so think about what you are doing with your money before it's too late.

My ass is tired.

On my home page I have among other things My fortune for today and of course my Horoscope.
The fortune sometimes repeats itself but I don't remember getting this one before today.
As to my horoscope, it's a new one every day. I think I'm going to have to replace this one though.

This guy seems obsessed with my anus.

I don't want to have anything to do with electrifying it and if I esperance a sudden windfall I may have to give up eating beans so The Boss doesn't kick me out on the street.

Seriously though I hate it when they start talking about surprise announcements and a windfall having to do with finances. They are never right and they just get me all worked up. I start having trouble sleeping because my mind wanders from one unlikely daydream about money to another.

I might win the Lottery even when I haven't played. Some rich relative will set me up with a trust fund even though the last rich person in my family was a man who owned a large percentage of Virginia, and that was in the mid 1600's or any of a thousand others that are even more unlikely than the last.

When I was in the ICU loaded up with all the drugs things like this were as real to me as the vampires of mercy taking my blood and shooting me up with insulin.

When I get tired and am trying to sleep they sometimes seem almost as real now.
I know that wealth can't solve all your problems but as another of my fortunes said a while back. "Money is the root of all evil and a man needs roots."

Getting this kind of prediction is even tougher to take when you have been unable to work for almost 11 months and are waiting for a disability determination and maybe a settlement offer from the Butcher's Assistant who carved you up.

Who knows I might be wrong. I do have more than 2 cents to rub together (9 if my count is right) and I have a roof over my head, food in the freezer and The Boss gets paid a week from Friday. For that matter I still have the ability to suck air into my lungs and say and do stupid things.

Oh, and I have the ability to connect to the interweb using my physic powers and Jackiesue gave me a Best Comment Award.
Now I have to write something humble and coherent.

FRIDAY FOLDERALL

2010-03-06T11:37:00.000-05:00

What drives people to public service is a sense of possibility. If you haven't sensed that possibility you don't get started in the same way, you don't feel you can have an impact.
Henry Hampton

When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
Harry S. Truman

How was your Friday?
Mine was a little strange and at times felt like it was when I was in the hospital and having everything filtered through a drug induced haze.

I have been sleeping poorly all week, spending hours tossing and turning and getting up at strange times.
I got up about 10 PM Thursday night after a few hours sleep and spent the night watching the programs I record like Olbermann, Rachel Maddow,The Daily Show, Letterman and Poker After Dark to name a few.

That takes me to early morning when I take my 14 and 16 year old Grandkids to their bus stop. I do this because their mother is back with her crazy boyfriend and they are not safe staying there.
One nice thing about this county is that if you don't want to go to school in the district you are living in you just have to go to the nearest bus stop for the district you wish to attend. The Grandkids have gone to the school system near their mother's home for years so we keep them in it. Unlike me who went to 4 High Schools in the 3 years it took me to graduate.

I then sat around home waiting for my cute Nurse to come and take my vitals and measure and change the dressing on the big hole in my belly. Blood Pressure 120 over 53, heartbeat at 81. Temp 100.0F in both ears which means watching my political shows made me a hothead.
I also have some congestion in my lungs but not enough to make me cough.

After the Nurse left I lay down and tried to sleep again. Lots of tossing and turning later I was just drifting off. I got a phone call. I wish I could get the dog to answer the phone and take messages. It was from my health insurance case counselor. This always makes me a little nervous. I talked to her a couple of months ago when she took my case over from the lady of no who retired and while on the phone she discovered that my policy expired on Oct. 26th and nobody told her. The Boss has a policy with the same company and the caseworker just stayed with it.

I often try to picture people on the other end of the phone that I have never seen.
This is my image of my caseworker

She was just checking in to see that everything was being paid for. This always worries me.
All in all it went well though. She promised that my home nurse visits and all that would continue to be covered as long as I need them and that if I had any problems with things not being paid to call her.
She even gave me a number to give my daughter when things got violent with her boyfriend and she needed help. It's a statewide place that has contact places that will hide and protect her from the asshole. The state family services people have already said that he was not doing anything wrong. I see why families being murdered by one member who then kills themselves or cries about being abused are so common.
I told you things seemed a little off on my Friday.

I decided with her urging to call the local Social Security office to see if there had been any progress on the reconsideration of the disability case I had added more information to on Dec. 30th. The Stalling Specialist I reached after a lot of busy signals had no new information on the case and didn't seem much inclined to continue the conversation. I on the other hand couldn't sleep and have very few people to talk to in my day to day existence so I just kept on talking. After about 10 minutes he finally had had enough I guess. He broke down and gave me the secret number for the Public Service Paperweights who were in charge of my case. I told Jackiesue I would find a use for the paperweight name.
The No It All Specialist answered the phone right away like he didn't have anything to do or just didn't want to do it. I think he regretted picking up the phone almost right away.
This is my image of him.

He confirmed that they had not sent any information to the local office and said they were waiting for information from my Surgeon, family Doctor and all three hospitals I stayed in.
I pointed out that the statements from the hospitals and rehab place were included in earlier paperwork and that I had sent the Doctor's statements in the paperwork that I had sent. I had confirmation that they received it on Dec.30th.
I went into rambling conversation mode again as he seemed to think I should be happy with the progress.
I mentioned that I understood the problems with getting records from hospitals from all the trouble my Lawyer had getting what he needed.
This is in a malpractice case against the Butcher's apprentes who first operated on me. I have been assured is about as close to a sure win as their is .
I didn't mention the malpractice case to him though.
After I said this he got quite and I started hearing papers being shuffled around and he started listing reports that to his surprise had been received and were in my paper file though not on the computer file.
I kept talking and he kept listing the paperwork he was finding that they were needing. As near as I can tell everyone he had mentioned before was there.
He then tried to tell me they had only had the file for 11 days and when I pointed out that they had gotten it on Dec. 30th. He kinda ignored this and started a new line. He said he had to review all the information to see if I met the requirements for full disability. I pointed out that Both Doctor's statements said I would never work again. He then stated that sometimes there is one piece of information that is needed to decide the case and his job was to find that. He didn't sound like he was threatening my case but more like he was going to finish the review.
All this came out through my rambling. I learned when I was in the 6th grade how to hide the limited brainpower I have and seem a lot simpler than I really am. It's second nature at 54 living in the area I do and seems to help when dealing with people like the ones I dealt with on Friday.

After all this time on the phone I felt like I could get a little sleep so I went to bed at 2:30 PM and slept until 1 AM Saturday. Like I said it was a lot like when I was hopped up on drugs in the hospital.

Then again a lot of this could be delusional and as always...
I could be full of shit.

MOOD MUSIC

2010-02-27T06:50:00.005-05:00

Music is moonlight in the gloomy night of life.
Jean Paul

I don't listen to music nearly as much as I did when I was a long haired Hippy in the late 60s and early 70's. I now find that the type of music I listen to is much more varied and depends on the mood I'm in. I like all kinds of music though I think Rap is better when recited as poetry without the background noise.

I was pondering this tonight and began to think about how my choice of music depends on what I have gone through and the mood I'm in because of it.
This may be obvious to you but I don't spend much time in self examination, or as I call it contemplating my navel.

Sometimes if I have been getting bored because every day, TV shows, or web sites seem to be more of the same I will be delighted to find something new like this little number.

I will also sometimes be captivated by something that is posted on someone's blog and then find and listen to everything I can find by that performer.
I have Kali to thank for the enjoyment I've gotten from this selection.
http://lakotaphillips.blogspot.com/

There are also times when I have had Doctor appointments or having a passel of Grandkids to take care of all day and or night. When everything is finally quite and I am relaxing I often prefer music like this.
The most memorable time this brings to mind is my first night home from the hospitals after 5 months.I'm in my special bed with the lights out and I realized that there would be nobody coming in all night to poke me and check my vitals, though I did see The Boss peek in to make sure I was still there a couple of times.

This song often reminds me of that night.

Sometimes I start feeling sorry for myself.
I regret my wasted youth and think, Boy if I knew then what I know now.
The truth is I would have made the same or possibly even worse mistakes.
This little ditty will usually knock me back into the real world.

Then there are days like Thursday when I spend almost all my waking hours following the great health care summit and all the political junkies and spin doctors trying to tell me that this was a victory for the Republicans and how they bent over backwards to protect the people's (Bless their little hearts) desires because everyone knows they are not for health care. Not to mention the Democrats fear of doing anything that would make people think they had balls.
There is only one video I have found that will bring me down before I blow a gasket and have to go back to the hospital.

I hope my two readers enjoy.

FULLBLOWN FLASHBACK

2010-02-25T08:03:00.002-05:00

And then they hit a big wall of re-election and the pettiness of politics.
In the end, politics gets in the way of the business of people.
Kevin Costner

Maybe I mentioned how much I like this guy.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

I can't believe it but watching this Special Comment from Feb. 24th caused me to have what I guess was a flashback to my time in Intensive Care.
I shared so many problems with His father that it was spooky.
Abdominal surgery, Massive and repeated infections, constant tests and procedures, (I had 15 operations), multiple X-Rays to the point of my hair falling out, Morphine, Prozac, Zolof, and just about any other drugs to keep me calm and fight all the infections.
I also had kidney and liver failure, heart problems and respiratory failure. I went through Dialysis every other day and was poked hourly for blood sugar and had a constant blood oxygen sensor on. I had at one point 6 drains and several IVs plus a Dialysis shunt and something called a G-Tube where a lot of my medicines and all my food went. I was on a nothing by mouth for weeks not even ice chips.
I also remember The Wall as Keith calls it, though hitting mine was a little different.
You have to understand that here in Cambridge Ohio we have one hospital and over years and years it has gotten the reputation of being a place that you went to to die. At least 40% of the people here refuse to go there to the point that if they arrive in an ambulance their families would have them moved to the hospitals 30 to 80 miles away the second they were stable enough. Maybe I should have taken this more seriously judging by what happened to me.
I hit a wall suddenly after a few weeks when I surfaced from the drug induced dream world. I couldn't talk and had lost so much weight I couldn't even hold a pen to write. But I finally got The Boss and my family to understand that I was convinced I was going to die in that room and all I wanted was to get out to someplace else.
They with my Doctors most of whom I trusted as they were the ones who saved my life after my first surgery proved to be a major oops convinced me that if they tried to move me I would die before I got out of the building. I was a little sick I guess.
Over the next couple of weeks when I surfaced form the alternate realities the drugs provided I kept trying to take off my gown and disconnect myself from all the wires and tubes. I was gonna walk out even though I couldn't even move my leg away from the bed rail if it was touching it which could get pretty painful.
That was my wall and I don't know how much worse it would have gotten if an accountant with my insurance company hadn't one day decided that I had been in ICU for 59 days and didn't need that level of care any longer.
So they had to move me 30 miles away to a critical care place. The only person who was happy about this seemed to be me. I thought my surgeon and the ICU Doctor who kept telling anyone who would listen that I was the strongest person they had ever seen were both going to have strokes they were so mad. But away I went and only had a few major infections while I was at the next place.

This is what I looked like a couple of months ago.

Anyway, I hope that Keith's father gets as lucky as I did.

I got good news yesterday, the abscess that I had at the base of my spine is closed and no longer needs to have dressings. The hole in my gut is still the size of a softball though.

On the bright side I haven't had an infection in 4 weeks.

I'm ready to party now!

My insurance was canceled after 6 months but lucky for me I was carried on The Boss' plan which so far is covering everything.
I would be in the hole for well over $1,000,000.00 If I had to pay for it myself and that was just through Oct. 25th.

But I never felt like telling someone to kill me.
Selfish of me.
Well, except when The Boss' friend cut off my ponytail.

The bums in Congress just don't seem to get it.
If they don't start getting real things done the crazies on the far right are going to be the only choice in the next election that will not seem like more of the same.

That's more scary than 2 months in the ICU.

Way past my bedtime and I can go now as the Grandkids who are staying here have no school again due to snow. This picture is from about 9 days ago.

SOMETHING FOR LEO AND RUBY

2010-02-21T01:26:00.002-05:00

The RCMP might object though.
Like Sarah Palin they have no sense of humor.

THE SPIRIT OF COOPERATION

2010-02-12T01:01:00.000-05:00

Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success.
Henry Ford

I stole this but there is a link at the end.

I figured I had to post something as people have started writing comments on my Happy New Year post again.

It's also pretty damn funny.

Hilarious Toilet cigarette
Uploaded by hassoun. - See more comedy videos.

DON'T PROCRASTANATE

2010-01-01T04:06:00.001-05:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I stole this HERE

The best way to achieve inner peace is to "Finish Things You Have Started."

So today I finished:
two opened bags of potato chips,
the last half of a lemon cream pie,
half a bottle of Jose Cuervo,
a small box of Godiva Chocolates,
and slapped the living shit out of someone I have never liked.
I feel better than I have felt for a long time.

SO YOU WANT TO GET A CAT

2009-12-24T13:54:00.002-05:00

I stole this HERE

I sometimes get the idea that I should get another cat but from now on I'll read this first.

You should take all the following steps to see if you are good enough to be owned by a cat.

Take cold chicken and stars soup straight from the can and splash it across the carpet and the foot of the bed and then walk in it in the dark with your socks on.

Set up a mouse trap at the foot of the bed each night so that if you move a toe one inch while you are sleeping, you are sure to get snapped.

Cover all your best suits with cat hair. Dark suits must use white hair, and light suits must use dark hair. Also, float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning.

Put everything cat-toy sized into a water bowl to marinate.

Practice cutting your chicken into teeny tiny bites so that when they steal, it won’t be the whole breast.

Tip over a basket of clean laundry, and scatter clothing all over the floor.

Leave your underwear on the living room floor, because that’s where the cat will drag it anyway (especially when you have company).

Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program and run to the TV shouting “No! No! Don’t chew on the electric cord!” Miss the end of the program.

Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the corner of the living room in the morning and don’t try to clean it up until you return from work that evening.

Gouge the surface of the dining room table several times with an exacto knife. It’s going to get scratched anyway.

Practice searching every closet and open cabinet door before you shut it.

Knock all small items off your kitchen counter.

Chew the eraser off every pencil in the house.

Take a fork and shred the roll of toilet paper while it’s still hanging up. Pull a few sheets off and scatter them around the bathroom.

Take a staple remover and punch two holes in every scrap of paper around the house.

Get a litter tray without a lid and mix in some tootsie rolls with cat litter and then tip it over right before the company comes. Make sure your guests get to find this before you do.

Buy a mixed bag of cat toys and stuff them under the refrigerator. Practice getting up at 2:00AM and fishing them out with a ruler or broom stick.

Take a warm cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it around yourself. This is the feeling you will get when your new cat falls asleep on your lap.

There now, once you’ve done all these, you’ve passed the test, and are ready to take on that little furry critter!

SEASONS GREETINGS!

2009-12-21T11:25:00.000-05:00

A classic holiday tune.

We're really rocking now!

Jackiesue says I hafta.

2009-12-19T22:36:00.002-05:00

If it wasn't for the laws they speak of I would be in the same fix as they are.

Go ahead and post it yourself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OKgYwUrB4l8

\

Always seem to find ways to treat these people.

CONGRESSONAL COUNTING

2009-12-19T11:13:00.000-05:00

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
Mark Twain

The news this Saturday morning (when they can stop talking about snow in DC)is that there may now be 60 votes in the Senate for their health care bill.
The 60th vote is Sen. Nelson of Nebraska who opposed the bill until they said his anti abortion wording would be added. He was careful to point out that he would change his vote in the future if there is something he doesn't like added to the bill. Now I know that the Senate bill is useless. Nelson used to be an insurance company executive and then went on to be Nebraska's official responsible for regulating the insurance industry.

Old John McCain is still bitching about people being required to keep their rambling on the Senate floor within the time limits even though he was one who objected to giving another Senator extra time on the Iraq war vote.
It's the same kind of spoiled attitude he displayed on the campaign trail a few times. After watching the Senate a lot the last few months I see that it is a trait he shares with most of his fellow Senators.

There is not a peep out of Joe the Insurance company shill this morning. I guess when they told him he was out of speaking time he thought in meant forever. I like this video about him. It really captures his personality

Now I wonder who will be the next to say "Hay, I want special treatment too!" Because rest assured they are lined up waiting for an opening.
Of course the Senate is only 60 votes now. The Republicans have already cast their vote. Hell, 33 of them voted against the military funding bill this morning when they thought nobody was looking. You think they would have learned their lesson after voting nay on Al Franken's anti rape amendment earlier this fall.

I think that all the people in Congress, the House and Senate should be required to take Math reeducation. They sure can't count the number of people dieing every day as they delay and gut the Health Care Reform bills. All this we have 60 and we don't have 60 bull is really starting to piss me off. I have the perfect place for them to start the reeducation...

Of course the Count may be a little advanced for them, and the Republicans may boycot it because it comes from that Evil PBS network. You know, the one they tried to abolish back in the Dark Ages of the Gump. I thought about Romper Room but gave it up. I think it's off the air. I still worry about some of those guys watching shows with little kids in them though.

Then again as always I could be full of shit.

REPUBLICAN ERA RERUNS

2009-12-18T10:40:00.000-05:00

I wrote this a long time ago and figured if Jackiesue can do reruns so can I.

I knew I had mentioned Pat Robertson several times in the past.

So I decided I would see if I could get more than one comment on it this time.

You have to try to remember what life was like in the olden days though.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Second Star To The Left And On Till Morning.

If we are going to teach creation science as an alternative to evolution, then we should also teach the stork theory as an alternative to biological reproduction.
Judith Hayes

Santa Clause, The Easter Bunny, The Tooth Faerie, Lepracans and their pot of gold, and the Bogyman under my bed.

I believe in all of the above.

There are people who are trying to make me believe that all of the things that they do are done by people or God.

Well I want them all taught in Kansas schools along with Evolution and Creationism.

Of course we will have to cut back on teaching Math and Science not to mention English and any non approved subjects like Art and Music, (other than Christian hymns, or patriotic marching music).

We can't teach the depiction of the human form as we are created in Gods image and He's shy.

Of course, we can't teach Sex Education. Let's face it sex is a myth and the only way to be a good person is through abstinence.

Of course the minute you get your Education and start making money you are free to find the perfect other, and go at it like bunnies to make more good Christian Solders who can fight whatever good fight people like Pat Robertson proclaim as God's will.

I can't go to bed now. I think Pat Robertson and Anne Colter are under my bed and will make me crazy like them. I can almost hear them whispering to me in my sleep.( Love Bush, Kill democratic leaders who oppose Bush.) For the record I have been in love with Bush from the time I knew what it was (Thank you Playboy).

Now this guy who is always on vacation, I think he is bug shit crazy and determined to bring about Armageddon to justify his beliefs.

All of you who voted for Bush/Chainy, a word of advice. Buyer beware!

I should say that this rambling rant is the result of reading about the Cabazon Dinosaurs.
This is a 45 foot concrete Apatosaurus on Interstate 10 near Palm Springs. It seems the attraction has new owners who are really big Intelligent design champions.

They say that the dinosaurs were created at the same time as Adam and Eve and were part of Noah's passenger list during the flood.

There is a $25 Million creationist museum in Petersburg Ky., They are putting evolutionists on notice that they are taking the dinosaurs back.

There are other Jurassic tourist attractions across the country that have been converted to religious dogma.

Peter Pan is my role model and I believe in Tinker bell, and always will.

STEALING IS SO MUCH EASIER THAN THINKING

2009-12-14T00:54:00.000-05:00

The 36 Rules of Life

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed

of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

1 4. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved it’s full potential, that word would be ‘meetings’.

27. There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.

36. Your friends love you anyway.

Guess I Gotta Write Something

2009-12-10T06:53:00.000-05:00

CHRISTMAS SURVEY

I stole this from Jackiesue to make up for the last couple that I didn't finish after she tagged me.
If you want to do it ...

1. Copy and paste the questions into your blog.
3. Answer the questions.

1. Have you started your Christmas shopping?
Its too early.

2. Tell me about one of your special traditions.
Wrapping gifts on Christmas Eve.

3. When do you put up your tree?
When I can't avoid it any more.

4. Are you a Black Friday shopper?
Not no but, HELL NO!

5. Do you travel at Christmas or stay home?
I hide in the house and pretend I'm asleep.

6. What is your funniest Christmas memory?
When I was 6 years old and got a 26" fancy 3 speed bike. It took me 3 days to figure out how to get on it without crushing my privates and then it snowed 3 feet over night. I lived just outside Buffalo N.Y. I rode that bike til I was 17.

7. What is your favorite Christmas movie of all time?
Gremlins.

8. Do you do your own Christmas baking and what's your favorite treat?
I usually do almost all the cooking for Thanksgiving and Christmas but not this year I guess.

9. Fake or real tree?
Fake. I am a tree hugger I guess.

10. What day does the actual panic set in to get it all done?
The day after Christmas.

11. Are you still wrapping presents on Christmas Eve?
That's when I start.

12. What is your favorite family fun time at Christmas?
Stuffing my face while I watch the disappointment in the kids eyes when they realize that they didn't get all the stuff they wanted.

13. What Christmas craft do you like the best?
The ones that nobody tries to sell me for there good cause.

14. Christmas music, yes or no? If yes, what is your favorite song?
Do I have a choice? They start pumping it out at you before Halloween. My ears are bleeding by Thanksgiving.

15 when do you plan on finishing your shopping.
When I run out of money. Which is pretty quick.

That's it I hope it makes your Holidays brighter.

BRINGING OUT THE DEAD

2009-11-06T09:38:00.001-05:00

A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned how to walk forward.
Franklin D. Roosevelt

Hey, Jackiesue nominated my blog for an award so I guess I'll have to post something.

I was reading Huffington Post last night and they had an article that caught my eye.
Unless you’re from Floridian you may never have heard of Rep. Alan Grayson (D-Fla.).
They were having their time to speak about the Health Care Bill and he chose to use his time to talk about the number of people who die because of having no health care. He took it farther and using a study from Harvard about next year’s projected deaths due to no health care. He then proceeded to list every Republican House member and the number of deaths in their districts if the health care effort fails.
The Republicans let him continue until he got to Oklahoma when they tried first to get him to yield his already shortened time and then asked the Chairman to strike it from the Congressional Record. They adjourned and when they came back Grayson finished his list.
He has a web site called Names Of The Dead and the list of Congressman is on The Huffington Post and is out on You Tube somewhere also.
The list I would like him to read is the one that lists all the people who have died since the spring while both parties screw around. They might not be coming to vote next year.

I had a little news the other day. My health Insurance has been canceled. With my union they are allowed to do this if you don't work for six months. They never even notified me or the people putting the claims in.
Now I will only have The Boss's Plan which is almost the same as mine and even from the same company. I figure they will find a reason to drop me pretty quick.

The people in Washington want to delay the start of even their watered down bill until after the 2012 elections. Experts say it could be up and working in a few months.

Gotta go. I have an appointment with my surgeon in a little bit.

Hunting?

2009-11-05T04:13:00.000-05:00

I have some music to go with hunting season.
First this cartoon to warm up.

Dick Cheney Hunting Cartoon - Watch more Funny Videos

Click on this link and then pick The Second Week Of Deer Camp.
http://www.myspace.com/dayoopersofficial

Lots of good music here.

Holiday Horror

2009-11-04T04:11:00.000-05:00

There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world.
Jean Baudrillard

It is an invention of the devil, an infernal falsity for the destruction of all Christianity.
Michael Servetus

Halloween is over and the Grand kids had fun.

Guess who?

Grandson Number One.

Grandson Number Two.

Granddaughter Number One.

Off to beg for candy.

It sure isn't like it used to be. The powers that be here in Cambridge (pop: 13,000).

Halloween was over for the kids Thursday night at 7:00 PM. They claimed that if they had it on Saturday night the pedophiles would take a bunch of kids.

This mind set comes from the fact tha a lot of the people raising hell about this are snowbirds who spend the cold weather down in Floridia where most of the molesters seem to live.

They have been doing this to all the holidays for a while now. No Halloween parties at school Christmas parties have been replaced with holiday parties, Easter is spring break and no real details are given about Memoral day or Labor Day.

They put on a big thing downtown called The Dickens Victorian Village where they found a use for all the maniquens from the failed bussiness' in town. They change their heads and dress them up and put them in sciens on the sidewalks. It's spookie when you drive through at 3:00 am.

They also put on a holiday parade and it ends with Santa throwing beads and candy. Too bad it's to cold for the ladies to lift their shirts.

They also have a big light show at the county courthouse ever night after Thanksgiving

through New Years.

You can't see it from here but there is a Nativity scene on the courthouse lawn that nobody seems to complain about. We also have a WWII Cannon to balance it out.

It's getting hard to figure out what is politically correct around here.

Gay Rights?

2009-10-31T07:12:00.001-04:00

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.
Chris Rock

I have a feeling that this is a joke, but I know people who would follow all the sugestions

I found this here. http://scienceblogs.com/grrlscientist/2009/10/finding_masculine_halloween_co.php

Home! Home Of The Strange!

2009-10-31T05:52:00.001-04:00

When a man is ill nothing is so important to him as his own illness.
Anthony Trollope

Well, that having been said let's talk about me.
I've been home for about five weeks now and it sure beats the hospitals.

I had hoped that I would finally get some rest but my daughter left the monster boyfriend and moved in just before I got home, so I have her and the grandkids waking me up all the time. At least in the hospital the nurses woke you up at the same times every day.

I had two therapists' when I came home three days a week. One was physical therapy and the other was occupational therapy. One worked my arms and the other worked my legs. They are done now after saying that they couldn't do any more for me. I also have a wound nurse who comes in three times a week to change my dressings on my belly and the base of my spine.Also once a month she changes my catheter which I've had so long that we have to retrain my bladder. Maybe I can get it to roll over or shake hands or something. The wounds are healing slowly and I'm getting impatient.

The nurses got me to the point where I can walk around the house some but I have to use my cane or walker for anything too long. Stairs are very hard for me to manage unless I have support.

I got my last sick pay check last Saturday and am wondering where the money will come from now. I'm lucky that the Boss has a good job.
The charges that her and my insurance have paid are well over $1,000,000.00 now. I bet I'm the insurance companies customer of the year by now. They were calling and quizing me about my condition and when I would be able to go back to work. They also talk to my Doctors and nurses too and enveryone has a good laugh about me going to work. There is no such thing as light duty where I work.

This is a picture of me taken on June 7th in the ICU. I was on a respirator and was bright yellow. I was suffering from total kidney falure and major malfunctions in my liver. I went through 4 or 5 hours of dialysis every other day. You can't see most of the machines I was hooked up to and as you can see I was being injected almost all of the time.
I was actually in a good mood in this picture.

This is the equipment that I have at home now. A wheelchair, walker, cane, and in the second picture my fancy bed with it's anti bedsore air mattress.

This last picture is me now. I look much older than I did 6 months ago and as you can see I'm in a much better mood now.

I'm getting better though. The shakes are almost gone. This is a good thing as I inject myself with insulin every day. If I was to go back to the nursing home right now I would lose all the walker races.

I guess I've rambled on for about three times as long as I should have so I guess I'll end this and see if it will load this time.

On The Road Again

2009-09-14T19:08:00.004-04:00

Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't.
Richard Bach

I got moved to a rehab and live in care unit. I don't have a phone and The Boss swiped my cell phone cause hers broke.
I have been doing rehab on my whole body. I use a walker and a wheelchair.
I found out why It's taking so long to heal, The doc. waited 6 days to cut me thinking all I needed was some Exlaxe. It turns out that it was a blood vessal that had a clot so by the time he opened me and took out 12" of small intestine it was too late. A few days later another surgon was drawing fiuid from my belly and got fresh blood instead of water.
He opened me up again and found that who;e repair fell apard and he had to keep me open for another week to get all the dead tissue out. Now I have a big hole in my stomach (about 8 more inches taken out) and clear up the septosiemia. Turns 0out that the first surgen has 6 pending lawsuits and settles them out of court. My daughter has a friend woh sued him for $500,000.00 She selleled for $250,000.00. She called the lawer who handeled the case and before she evev outlined all the screw-ups he said he would take the case and ask for a lot more. He will be here tomorrow to get more details and get my records fore his doctors to look at. who knows I might be able to get a new computer soon. I didn't know, most of that time I was in a comc or taking Morphine.
The insurance kicked me out of the last hospital and are acting like there going to do the same here. Then I'll have to go home and the rehab lady will come to my home as long as I need help. Thay may kick me out of here tomorrow.
As you can tell by the mistakes I'm making I still have the shakes bad. They said It could take 6 or more monthes to get all the drugs out of my mellon.
Don't send email as the is the rehabs computer and they don't like it when you download stuff. I missed another Westfest. come to think of it I missed spring and summer too.
Talk at you later.

Steve.

Still in the hospital

2009-08-04T01:02:00.003-04:00

An illness is like a journey into a far country; it sifts all one's experience and removes it to a point so remote that it appears like a vision.
Sholem Asch

Well, I'm still in the hospital, and it look's like I will be here for a while longer.
My brother fixed up an old laptop but I still can't get my email to work.

I wanted to thank everyone for the cards and good wishes. The cards are put away so they don't get lost.

The big hole in my tummy is taking forever to heal and I picked up a blood infection that won,t die. 104 days and counting.

Well, it's getting late and my hands are shaking to much yo type so I'll try to post more later.

TRADITION IS IMPORTANT

2009-04-12T09:47:00.003-04:00

As soon as tradition has come to be recognized as tradition, it is dead.
Allan Bloom

I almost forgot my Easter tradition.

Starting new ones is important too.

Happy Easter!
I want an egg of a different color.

I GOT YOUR FACTS RIGHT HERE!

2009-04-05T04:03:00.002-04:00

Facts and truth really don't have much to do with each other.
William Faulkner

• When placed in warm milk, raisins re-plump into grapes.
• The metal backs of iPods are made from recycled zippers.
• Eskimos don’t believe in bridges or tunnels.
• Every sixteen minutes, someone named Richard dies.
• Billy Bob Thornton’s grandfather was the first person to own a television.
• Dolphins kill more people annually than sharks and influenza combined.
• On a dare, former President Rutherford B. Hayes declared war on Chile for 17 minutes.
• The original title for Catcher in the Rye was Hey, Look, a Carousel!
• Professionals call the top socket on an electrical outlet the “Martha,” and the bottom socket the “Jasmine.”
• In the archives at the Smithsonian Institute in Washington, D.C., there are two identical snowflakes preserved in a freezer.
• Three out of every ten nickels has been in someone’s mouth.
• If you hold one nostril closed for 72 hours, you will slowly lose the ability to see color. (Your sight will instantly return to normal when you release your nostril.)
• Wave a magnet at the lower left corner of a vending machine to receive a free soda.
• The glossy paper from the backs of stickers can be used to soothe sunburn.
• To be a train conductor, you have to cut off one of your own toes during a loyalty ritual.
• The Z in Jay-Z’s name stands for “Zeppidemus.”
• Jean shorts were invented three weeks prior to the invention of regular jeans.
• Whispering instead of talking on cell phones saves significant battery power.
• In Austria, the traditional Christmas colors are not red and greed, but purple and clear.
• Benjamin Franklin coined the phrase “Baby Mama” in a satirical poem published in Poor Richard’s Almanac.
• If you take the first letter of each word in the Monopoly board game instruction manual, they spell out an X-rated sentence.
• The original name for the laptop computer was “Hinged Smart Slab.”
• The average person inhales 3 pounds of spider webs in his or her lifetime.
• When first introduced to the public, plastic laundry baskets cost $75 each.
• Winnie the Pooh started out as a non-fiction account of mental illness.
• Reading backwards for twenty minutes burns the same amount of calories as walking a half-mile.
• The Q in Q-tips stands for “quantum,” as the small bit of cotton on the tip contains more atoms than the entire human body.
• Revolving doors were first invented as a way to keep horses out of department stores.
• Peru and the moon weigh the same amount.
• Human beings and anteaters are the only animals that can snap their fingers.
• If you soak a baseball hat in coke, and then let it dry on someone’s head, over a 3-hour period the hat will shrink with skull-denting force, causing intense pain and irreparable damage.
• Clouds cannot travel south southwest.
• In sign language, there are 72 ways to say “drawbridge.”

Childhood: Then and Now

2009-03-13T10:25:00.002-04:00

I thought this was interesting.
I wish I had done more of this with my kids.
I thought she was describing my childhood instead of hers.

Childhood: Then and Now

Posted using ShareThis

A NEW CAR ADVERTISMENT

2009-02-22T06:14:00.003-05:00

My son the artist is at The Pittsburg Art Institute and this is his homework in his Video arts class.

Car commercial for class

He's my favorite genius.
His brain is wired a lot like mine.

WHAT DAY IS IT?

2009-01-20T11:59:00.005-05:00

Allow the president to invade a neighboring nation, whenever he shall deem it necessary to repel an invasion, and you allow him to do so whenever he may choose to say he deems it necessary for such a purpose - and you allow him to make war at pleasure.
Abraham Lincoln

I feel better already.

I just found this and had to add it.

MERRY CHRISTMAS YELLOWDOG GRANNIE!

2008-12-25T16:15:00.004-05:00

I know he thinks he is the smart one but I still found a way to take over the Nitwit's blog to pass happy holiday wishes along to all my friends and thank Jackiesue for the stylish duds.

Little Bit has spoken!

Math for the Fast Lane

2008-12-24T10:01:00.004-05:00

Mathematics is the most beautiful and most powerful creation of the human spirit.
Stefan Banach

I stole this HERE

________________________________________
This is why math is taught in school.
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why..........
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass everyday.
Statistically, half of these are driven by females.
That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Flip one off? ... I think not.

And you didn't believe it when the teacher told you to pay attention as you would need to know it later in life.

I'VE FOUND MY LIFE'S PURPOSE

2008-12-10T06:51:00.003-05:00

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Gee, I never have found that brand of beer. I have found the one that makes me think everyone is pretty and thinks I'm fascinating.
I can't afford that brand anymore.
I'm a married man after all.

SIGH...

GARBAGE IN GARBAGE OUT

2008-12-09T06:41:00.004-05:00

Since when has the world of computer software design been about what people want? This is a simple question of evolution. The day is quickly coming when every knee will bow down to a silicon fist, and you will all beg your binary gods for mercy.
Bill Gates

I found this here and had to copy it.

Dear Tech Support
Item tagged with joke, technical support, husband
INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
NBA 5.0,
NFL 3.0 and
Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

=================================================================

DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend:
Cooking 3.0 and
Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Submitted by Phil Farmer
06 Dec, 2008

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE?

2008-12-06T19:48:00.004-05:00

A man is born alone and dies alone; and he experiences the good and bad consequences of his karma alone; and he goes alone to hell or the Supreme abode.
Chanakya

I stole this somewhere.
It's around the net so maybe you have seen it before.

1994's Most Bizarre Suicide
Don Harper Mills

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Sciences, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story...

On March 23 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a gunshot wound of the head caused by a shotgun. Investigation to that point had revealed that the decedent had jumped from the top of a ten story building with the intent to commit suicide. (He left a note indicating his despondency.) As he passed the 9th floor on the way down, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, killing him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the 8th floor level to protect some window washers, and that the decedent would not have been able to complete his intent to commit suicide because of this...

Ordinarily a person who starts into motion the events with a suicide intent ultimately commits suicide even though the mechanism might be not what he intended. That he was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not change his mode of death from suicide to homicide, but the fact that his suicide intent would not have been achieved under any circumstance caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands...

Further investigation led to the discovery that the room on the 9th floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. He was threatening her with the shotgun because of an interspousal spat and became so upset that he could not hold the shotgun straight. Therefore, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the window, striking the decedent.

When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. The old man was confronted with this conclusion, but both he and his wife were adamant in stating that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. It was the longtime habit of the old man to threaten his wife with an unloaded shotgun. He had no intent to murder her; therefore, the killing of the decedent appeared then to be accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded...

But further investigation turned up a witness that their son was seen loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal accident. That investigation showed that the mother (the old lady) had cut off her son's financial support, and her son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that the father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus...

Further investigation revealed that the son became increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to get his mother murdered. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a 9th story window.

The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

This makes my head hurt but it's funny as hell too.

IT'S HELL GETTING OLD.

2008-12-03T02:22:00.000-05:00

IT'S HELL WHEN LIFE PASSES YOU BY.

2008-12-03T02:12:00.003-05:00

I'M TOUGH I AM.

2008-11-19T04:26:00.002-05:00

I could think of a few ways to improve this score.
That's if I could survive the loss of the internet.

Created By UGIF mobile coupons

STUMBLES AND STUFF

2008-11-13T08:19:00.020-05:00

Random stumbles I got a chuckle from.
I may have stolen some of them from Jackiesue.

And a couple of links you might like.

Is your cat trying to kill you?

Inspiring story

INDIAN GIVERS

2008-11-12T12:29:00.004-05:00

Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can't help but smile on it.
Josh Billings

Have I mentioned how much I like this guy?

My apologies to all Native Americans.
Again...

I wonder how the people of California feel about the people of another state (Utah Mormons) deciding their vote on Proposition 8.

What are they going after next?

Back to my old Template and my thanks to Jackiesue for the use of her Blogroll list in rebuilding my links.

HOPEFULL HAPPINESS

2008-11-05T01:20:00.006-05:00

Where there is no vision, there is no hope.
George Washington Carver

And Jessie Jackson wept.
Him and Al Sharpton should get married.

Now who am I going to blame?

IT ONLY HURTS FOR A MINUTE

2008-11-04T11:45:00.002-05:00

I hope that no American will waste his franchise and throw away his vote by voting either for me or against me solely on account of my religious affiliation. It is not relevant.
John F. Kennedy

ELECTION EVALUATIONS

2008-11-03T13:04:00.009-05:00

May you live in interesting times.
Chinese curse.

Barrack Obama according to all the experts is a:

Black Muslim
Anti-Christian
Socialist
Marxist
Plotting with an evil Jewish billionaire.

And is:

A young Castro.

Advocate of partial birth abortion
Actively seeks the death of Israel.

He is an;

Economic buffoon
Will not recite the Pledge of Allegiance
And refuses to wear a flag pin
He hangs out with terrorists and radical preachers
And according to his Dental Hygienist he doesn’t floss every night.
He is also a fair weather fan of whichever sports team is most popular where he is at the moment.

And a very disturbing investigation has uncovered that he may actually be a Vulcan sent here to take over the human race.

When all this expert opinion is taken into account and we consider our alternative candidates.

The choice is about as obvious as it can be.

I would give my vote to Barrack Obama on November 4th!

There is a problem though. I can’t do that no matter how much I might want to.

I already did it last Tuesday and will go to jail if I try to do it again.

If even a fraction of this stuff was true it sure would make for an entertaining 4 years.

CHANGING TIMES

2008-11-02T02:12:00.005-05:00

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
George Carlin RIP

Time sure does seem to be moving faster lately. It seems like it’s getting harder and harder to keep up.

I spend a huge amount of time in front of the computer and still don’t seem to get much done.

I never get household projects finished, and seem to fall into a time warp whenever I look at the date on my last real post on this blog.

All of this seems worse than ever as I try to keep up with what’s happening in the election.

The economy seems to have paused in its spiral down the toilet but I’m convinced by what I read and hear from people I think know what’s going on and what I observe for myself that this is just a pause while the real movers and shakers buy up fortune 500 companies for pennies on the dollar and con even more taxpayer money out of their Washington lackeys.
I’m not saying that it’s going to change much after Tuesday but they seem to think something going to change.

But that doesn’t matter as the Government has given us a great gift. A boon that will make everything all better. They are giving us a free hour to catch up with everything!

Now the only drawback is that’s an hour longer in the Bush administration. I shudder to think how much more damage they can do in 60 minutes.

So, what wonderful thing did you do with your extra hour? Now I understand that a small portion of the population of Indiana for some strange reason is denied this gift, but they don’t have to give it back in the spring either.
I’m sure everyone did great and productive things with their hour and the world will be a better place for it.

Me? Well I wrote this post and drank a beer or two while watching an hour of the second Indiana Jones movie in honor of the poor deprived residents (and confused visitors) to that area. I’m watching all of them tonight and maybe the new Journey to the Center of the Earth movie as well.

I’m sure none of you wasted this hour sleeping, but if you did I hope you had interesting dreams.

All I’ve been thinking for several days is,
HOT DAMN! I HAVE AN EXTRA HOUR BEFORE I HAVE TO GO BACK TO WORK!

I wonder... what’s it like to have a job you love?

Yum! Their serving monkey brains in the movie. Times a wastin!

THIS IS JUST STRANGE

2008-10-31T10:01:00.004-04:00

Click HERE if you dare.

ONE MORE COULDN'T HURT

2008-10-28T11:54:00.002-04:00

It is hard to understand addiction unless you have experienced it.
Ken Hensley

I THOUGHT IT WAS FOX NEWS

2008-10-25T07:58:00.004-04:00

I got this here

This is kinda sick but it's like a train wreck. You don't want to look but you can't help it.

Besides, it’s funny as hell.

Gunman Kills 15 Potential Voters In Crucial Swing State

GOTTA STOP DOING THAT

2008-10-17T09:02:00.004-04:00

I stole this HERE.
Or maybe it was HERE.
Well, I'm almost sure it wasn't HERE.
And I would never take anything from HERE.
If I go back HERE I might get disappeared.
If I go HERE I may never come back.
All right try this one HERE.

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....

Scared the shit out of me.

So that's it!

After today,

no more reading!!

MY KIND OF INVESTMENT PROGRAM

2008-10-15T05:22:00.003-04:00

Leave no stone unturned to help your clients realize maximum profits from their investment.
Arthur C. Nielsen

MAYBE IN TIME FOR HIS SECOND TERM

2008-10-15T01:48:00.004-04:00

The only things our government runs are the post office and the railroads, and both of them are bankrupt.
Lee Iacocca

I received this E-mail today:

Dear MoveOn member,
Thanks so much for ordering a free Obama/Biden sticker. We were amazed by the response—we've now given away more than 1.2 million stickers.
We're checking in today to see if and when you received your sticker. Please click the appropriate link below to let us know.
• I received my sticker last week or earlier
• I received my sticker this week
• I have not yet received my sticker
Thanks again for your support, and thanks for all you do.
–Peter, Daniel, Karin, Ilyse and the rest of the team

I clicked the I have not received my sticker link and was sent to this form.
I answered it this way.

Sorry! Let us know what went wrong.
We're really sorry to hear there was a problem with your order. Please fill out the information below as completely as you can so we can track down your order.

.
Which of the following best describes the problem with your order?
If necessary, please describe the problem more fully.

I haven't received my sticker package yet.

If necessary, please describe the problem more fully

The U.S. Postal Service works for Bush.

I think I identified the problem pretty well.

STUMBLED INTO THIS SITE AND GOT A LAUGH

2008-10-13T06:58:00.002-04:00

CHECK THIS OUT!

The Stock Market simply illustrated

2008-09-28T14:34:00.003-04:00

The difference between playing the stock market and the horses is that one of the horses must win.
Joey Adams

I stole this but I forget where.

Is there a lesson here?

The Stock Market

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $ 10.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $ 10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $ 20.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.

The offer rate increased to $ 25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey let alone catch it.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $ 50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $ 35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for $ 50."

The villagers squeezed up with all their savings to buy the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!!!

THAT'S WHY I DRINK.

2008-09-24T14:16:00.002-04:00

In one episode of ‘Cheers’, Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don’t think I’ve ever heard the concept explained any better than this:

Well you see, Norm, it’s like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first ..

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.’

RATIONAL RULES

2008-09-09T20:54:00.003-04:00

It is not best that we should all think alike; it is a difference of opinion that makes horse races.
Mark Twain

I found this HERE and shamelessly stole it.
Lucky The Boss never reads my blog.

The Man Rules

Finally , the guys’ side of the story. ( I must admit, it’s pretty good.) We always hear ‘the rules ‘
From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered ‘1 ‘
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It’s like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious! hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are.
Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default setting! .
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ We will act like nothing’s wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

IN MOURNING

2008-09-06T20:05:00.004-04:00

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Albert Einstein

I found this when I stumbled into BestTechie.net

I knew he was sick but not this bad.

The death of Common Sense !!!!!!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I met Mr. Common Sense early in my life and he told me I would
do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always around in my early years but less and less as time passed by.
Today I read his obituary. Please join me for a moment of silence in remembrance. For Common Sense had served us all so well for so many generations.

Obituary
Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't legally defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
If you still remember him pass this on.

If not, JOIN THE MAJORITY AND DO NOTHING!

I'm Scared

2008-08-29T11:28:00.005-04:00

America was not built on fear. America was built on courage, on imagination and an unbeatable determination to do the job at hand.
Harry S. Truman

I just watched the Obama speech from last night and I really enjoyed hearing it.
But I'm also very troubled right now. All night at work I kept hearing an announcement on the radio that kinda puzzled me.
Apparently The devil's minion is coming to Cambridge, (where I do most of my nitwitery) sometime today. Yes I mean John McCain. Now I'm at a loss as to why he would come here though the GOP is very dominant here. Then I thought back to 4 years ago when The Gump came here and gave a stump speech about 150 yards from my bedroom window while I was trying to sleep in the house that his policies and my health problems took away from me. I wonder if it is just getting hard to find a friendly place for a Republican to campagne.
The other thing that bothered me was that though they kept harping on the fact that he would be here today they would not, or more likely could not say where he was going to be speaking.
So, this being payday and me needing to be out and about paying bills and wasting money on things I just can't live without I was going about my business always looking over my shoulder and fearing that I would actually see the man and somehow turn to stone or a pillar of salt.
Well I got back to the rented shack I call Nitwit headquarters without getting even a glimpse of the Bus Of Lies, but I locked all the doors and windows and haven't even peeked out to see how the bridge construction is going. I hope I make it to work OK tonight My boss is one of the GOP bigwigs around here and I know if McCain is here he will be front row center having an orgasmic experience.
I wonder if he'll turn into a zombie.

SOME TIMES I GO TO THE DARK SIDE.

2008-08-24T06:52:00.003-04:00

This documentary is a little long.
CLICK HERE
You will get a laugh or a nightmare from this but you might learn something too.

Just in case you need more proof that we live in a crazy world

2008-08-24T04:28:00.004-04:00

I found this here and thought you might enjoy it.

PantherModerns

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female.
Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a
corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(…so they’ll never know they went blind?)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time…
Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let’s just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere
else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband’s lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Now this is justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England -
but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother
must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had
to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending
machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be
dispensed from a vending machine only “in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.”
(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hummm….I won’t touch THAT one!)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30
times its own weight and always falls over on its right
side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of…? Wonder how much the the govt.
paid for this relevant bit of research??)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez)

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don’t have brains.
(I know some people like that, too)

If I had read this when I spent that week working in Guam I may have never left.

My kind of morning show.

2008-08-15T12:28:00.002-04:00

'Cosmopolitan' Institute Completes Decades-Long Study On How To Please Your Man

If this is what morning news is like I may start watching them.

HOW DID THEY DO THAT?

2008-08-08T18:37:00.001-04:00

Funny stuff.
Off to work.

savetheantelope

THAT'S WHY I DON'T POST VERY MUCH

2008-08-06T01:21:00.002-04:00

I only stop to review when my 700 Gigabytes of storage start to fill up.

Family Frustrations

2008-08-03T06:50:00.008-04:00

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield

I'm going to do something I don't do.
I'm going to show off my family.

First up is the Pain in the ass daughter who has three kids from three fathers who are worth about as much as my ball sweat.
I would be kind to refer to as human.

She makes great Grandkids though.

This is number 2 son who is 17 and prooving to be a talented photographer. He does seem to fall in love with black and white though.

This is number one son and number two daughter along with her son who is my semi lost grandson. She has her boyfriend and all his relatives for support so I don't get to see him as much as I would like.

Number one son again. He is now off at school at The Art Institute of Pittsburg. Where he is learning all about life.

This is The Boss in white with Her girlfriend who we saw in Florida last year along with her girlfriend's daughters.

This is my two Grandaughters. Almost 1 and 14. They both have Grandpa wraped around their fingers.

This is my best buddy and a true baseball lover. He is the reason I have been so busy lately. My daughter’s latest asshole is making his life a little rough.
We will overcome though.
There is an advantage to being smarter than most of the people around you, but it involves making the people around you feel smart.
I have laid the groundwork with the family and am about to give a lot of ignorant rednecks a big surprise.

This is some old coot with a very special young lady. He must be a degenerate he has a ponytail.

Goodbye for now. See how smart my Granddaughter is.

THIS IS JUST STRANGE

2008-08-02T19:34:00.002-04:00

Click if you dare.

I hope the goat doesn't have to go to the bathroom.

Time for Some Campaignin'

2008-07-29T08:22:00.001-04:00

Like other things at Jib Jab this is a little strange but I like it.

Time for Some Campaignin' | Funny Jokes at JibJab

PUSDO PROTESTS

2008-07-27T02:01:00.014-04:00

Those people who want to express their religious beliefs on public property should enjoy the same rights that we provide to those protesting the war in Iraq.
Ernest Istook

I grew up in the late 60's and early 70's as much as I ever will and I remember the network news of that time. It was full of combat footage from the Vietnam War and coverage of protests all over the country, most notably from universities and other places of higher learning.

The establishment constantly blamed it on communist agitators who were employed by the Soviet Union and China to undermine the glorious struggle to bring freedom to the people who already knew that the government they had was one of the most corrupt that has ever existed. But, boy that war made a lot of money for the military Industrial complex and gave us lots of jobs to go with the double digit inflation and the large number of dead and maimed draftee's who came home to be ignored by the system, not to mention the ones who never came home.

There were a lot of incidences of police and National Guard violence during that time. The ones people seem to remember are the Democratic Convention in Chicago and of course the murders at Kent State, unless they actually got their melon cracked by a night stick they tend to forget the struggle.

There was a headline on The Huffington Post yesterday about the military barring photos of U.S. war dead and I got to thinking of things I've read the last few years that highlight the fact that the Government seems to have learned from the past. If you are an imbedded reporter with the military you are under their control and say or show nothing that they don't approve. Bloggers in the Armed Forces can't even post without review by supervisors. As a reporter if you make them look bad you are denied protection and more importantly to the reporters, access.

Back to demonstrations…
People seem surprised by this and wonder where the activists are today. Well, there still around but they have also learned from experience and do most of their protesting on the internet which is kinda scary when you consider how easy China has found it to get the big internet movers and shakers to suppress and block access to things they feel threatened by.
There are demonstrations still going on but, you have to get your permit and can’t vary from the proscribed purpose and that is defined by the local powers that be and their opinions, so you still may end up in the slammer.

During The Gumps last inauguration protesters were limited to one small area along the motorcade route and there were so many police between them and the street that you couldn’t even see them. Bush passed by and then gave his freedom speech after lip syncing the oath of office for the second time.

During the last Republican convention the FBI was and still is investigating protesters. The NYPD arrested if memory serves me over 300 protesters the first day and kept them in jail until the convention was over. They then released them and filed no charges as far as I have been able to tell.

Any time The Gump went out to drum up support for his raping of the people of the U.S. his audience was hand picked by his controllers. If you have ever seen him try to handle a question that is not prearranged you know he isn’t a Rhodes Scholar. Face it if his family wasn’t who they are he would have spent a lot of time on the short bus.

One of my favorite tasteless sayings is, “Hire the handicapped, they’re fun to watch.” but I never thought they would do it.

My other favorite saying that comes from my years running computers in the Air Farce is, “You have to be smarter than what you’re trying to operate.” And have had it applied to me more times than I like to admit. It also applies to the current administration though.

I am just rambling tonight but everyone is pissed that I haven’t been posting including me so I’ll take what I can get.

I ran across these clips that show how little has changed in the last 40 years. Watch them to the end and then go out and protest.

Note that the offical says he should have stopped the comments by police, not their actions.

This is such a cute protest.

Todays activists are so precious.
I think Canada is looking better every day.

The Nature Of The Beast

2008-07-25T07:52:00.004-04:00

LAKOTA MADE ME DO IT.

2008-07-12T23:32:00.002-04:00

I'm not sure I like being a Canna.
I automaticly ask Canna what?

I am a
Canna

What Flower
Are You?

"You stand up for what you believe in, even if it gets in the way of what other people think. You are proud of yourself and your accomplishments and you enjoy letting people know that."

Smart Blondes

2008-07-09T00:27:00.001-04:00

A blonde woman is driving along a country road, out in rolling hills of the Midwest, when she sees some movement off in the distance. As she gets closer, she realizes that it is another blonde woman in a rowboat in the middle of a field rowing the boat like crazy.

She stops her car at the side of the road and gets out. She yells out to the blonde in the rowboat, “What the &$%# are you doing?” The blonde in the boat, obviously flustered, yells back, “I have got to hurry up and get home in time for dinner or I will be in real trouble!”

The blonde at the side of the road is aggravated. “I can’t believe this! You are out in the middle of a field in a row boat! It’s blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name! In fact, if I could swim, I would swim out there and kick your butt!”

Yeah I know I'm in trouble now.

Judge Rules In First Ever Stumble Upon Divorce Case!

2008-06-24T08:45:00.002-04:00

I stumbled upon this and stole it.

A farmer’s wife from Arlington, Iowa, won a landmark divorce case today citing “Stumbleupon” the popular online social networking site, as the main cause of the breakdown of her marriage.

The Judge ruling over the divorce summed up the whole affair stating “in all my days as a judge I thought I had seen everything, but I have never quite stumbled upon something like this. The kind of behaviour and language that has been demonstrated in this case has been rather interesting to say the least. I have to say I have learned something new today”.

Other witnesses who where brought in to give evidence confirmed that the situation had become untenable. One close family member said “it just isn’t normal, I have never in my life seen corn fields so tall and unkept and the poor cows, well they were left to roam as freely as they pleased”.

It is thought that the 38 year old man in question started to behave in a fashion unbecoming of an Iowa farmer just after he began using the social site stumble upon two years ago. Since then he has slowly withdrawn from both family and farm as he immersed himself in videos, websites and blogs offering everything from the banal to the bizarre.

After the Judge had ruled in Mrs Carters favour, she read out this statement in front of the court house.

“I am very pleased to have this whole nightmare behind me at last; the past two years have been pure hell. No respectable farmer neglects his responsibilities and just lets his cattle wander around like that. A few of the cows even managed to stumble upon a neighbouring farm and get branded along with their cattle, can you believe that?”

One waiting reporter asked Mrs Carter if he had displayed any other unusual or weird behaviour. She replied…

“Oh hell yeah, the cows and the corn fields are just the tip of the ice berg”

When asked what other kind of behaviour she had been forced to endure she shocked bystanders and reporters alike when she told them…

“Well it’s kinda embarrassing, but after sex he would shout out real loud, I LIKE IT, and then give me a big thumbs up. If that wasn’t bad enough he would then write me up a review. That had to be my lowest moment. But he also started asking me for reviews and thumbs up too and I didn’t have no clue to what he was talking about”.

A short while later Mr Carter emerged from the court house wearing a “Digg” T shirt and jeans and clutching what looked to be a notebook laptop. A reporter from a local daily asked him why he had allowed his cows to wander about in such a fashion. He simply replied…

“Caps lock OMG, LMAO, LOL loser”

This left the waiting reporters somewhat baffled and bemused.

Mrs Carter’s lawyer said that this was an unusual divorce to say the least and when challenged about the possibility of other cases like this coming to court he said he “most certainly hoped not”. It is understood that the judge who presided over the divorce has decided to take the rest of the month off in order to explore social networking in more depth, just in case.

MY NEW HUMANITARIAN CAUSE

2008-06-22T09:16:00.003-04:00

We have to help any of our friends or family who have been corrupted by this scourge.

God save us from paper and ink.

YOU KNOW YOUR FROM CALIFORNIA IF...

2008-06-14T03:19:00.002-04:00

I found this on a stumble and lost the link.

1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember if pot is illegal.

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney… really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember... is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they’ll give you one.

Thought for today: According to the EPA, lead particles in the air in Los Angeles cause six thousand deaths a year. Los Angeles residents call them ‘bullets.’

MARRAGE BEFORE AND AFTER

2008-06-11T06:50:00.003-04:00

THIS IS PRETTY GOOD

2008-06-10T22:19:00.001-04:00

CLICK IF YOU DARE!

2008 Darwin Awards

2008-06-09T03:01:00.002-04:00

I always love when these come out.
I found them here

By Koka Sexton • May 14th, 2008 • Category: Geek Break

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.

Eighth Place

In Detroit , a 41-year-old man, got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who ‘totally zoned when he ran,’ accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. Third Place After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along thewalkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman’s cable, lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham’s leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle.. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham’s foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS…

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn, Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant’s unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him

Now that's for sure not the way I want to go.

BEER THE GIFT OF THE GODS

2008-06-07T06:03:00.010-04:00

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

--Dave Barry

Cheers - Buffalo Theory

The Buffalo Theory as told by Cliff Clavin: No one can explain this as well as Cliff Clavin, on Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. and here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

The Beer Scooter

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night of drinking and thought 'How did I get home?'? As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the bar to your home.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter.

The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and bought a large batch of these magical devices.

The beer scooter works in the following fashion: The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the slurring gland begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beer scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal.

It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This generates the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money? Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI (unidentified drinking injuries - eg. often bruises and unexplained cuts, usually found on the legs and all over the body).

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles* cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences.

You may wake up next to this...

When you thought this is who you came home with.

I'm not slammed but I am on vacation so it's only a matter of time.

By the by I stole this from so many places I lost track of them.

MY NEW FAVORITE ADD

2008-06-06T09:31:00.002-04:00

Apparently, this advertisement has created quite a buzz in Europe ..
Thought you might appreciate the subtlety of this ad, done by a Brazilian ad agency,
for a lubricating gel (K-Y equivalent).
They were trying to come up with an ad that is not offensive or tasteless.
The picture looks completely innocent until you notice the details... Understood the ad ?

The missing POLE says it all.

DID I MENTION HOW MUCH I LIKE THIS GUY?

2008-05-24T08:56:00.000-04:00

HOW TO GET RID OF A ONE NIGHT STAND

2008-05-23T12:49:00.001-04:00

glumbert - How to get rid of a one night stand

Would work on me.

STAY TUNED

2008-05-21T13:56:00.006-04:00

I feel a rant coming on.
The labor pains are about 6 minutes apart.
Too many assholes not enough time.
It won't be long now...

Who's your favorite asshole?

THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT

2008-05-20T23:32:00.002-04:00

It's a sick world and I'm a happy guy.

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

2008-05-17T21:30:00.000-04:00

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS ABOUT THE TOILET SEAT - USE THE SINK.

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Now I know how to survive as a housewife.

I SURE DO LIKE THIS GUY

2008-05-15T10:29:00.001-04:00

Too bad he's going to be the first one taken to the internment camp when marshal law is declared.

VEGAN LIFESTYLE.

2008-05-13T05:22:00.005-04:00

They didn't even talk about the health benefits of a Vegan lifestyle.
And now a bonus.

SHAKY OLD LADIES

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly
enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her
feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for
support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: “Dddooo youuuu hhhave
dddddiilllldosss?”

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out
laughing, replies: “Yes we do have dildos.
Actually we carry many different models.”

The old woman then asks: “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu
ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss
ththiick aand rrunns by bbaatteries?

The clerk responds, “Yes we do.”

She asks: ” Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww
tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?”

USE THE FORCE LUKE

2008-05-07T01:09:00.002-04:00

This is great.
I am not looking forward to a sequel though.

Likity Split

2008-05-05T06:52:00.001-04:00

This is wrong on so many levels.

Brings new meaning to "I can lick anyone in the house."

STUMBLED SEQUEL

2008-05-03T08:05:00.004-04:00

Jackiesue said she was going to watch Michael Moore's Sicko.
Just after reading that I hit that silly Stumbleupon button and found this.
I had never seen it before.
Sometimes Stumbles can be spooky.

Strange prison.

Random Rumbles

2008-04-30T02:28:00.008-04:00

I took the picture below standing on my front porch Monday morning about 10:00 AM
What you are looking at is the little bridge I cross to get on the main road leading to my work about 3 minutes driving time away.
They closed it the first of the month for replacement. It will take 6 months and what they have been doing is driving girders into the ground with a pile driver.
Now they are demolishing the old bridge and erecting the new suspension arches.
Needless to say they don't do this silently. Makes it a lot of fun getting my sleep every day.
You can just make out the green arches of the old bridge. At the rate they are going right now the whole bridge will be gone by Friday.
I now have to follow this road the other way about a mile and then double back on the road on the other side of the bridge. It adds about 5 minutes to my commute. If I walked in the old days it took me 14 minutes to get to work. Life is tough.

I came home from work Tuesday morning at 4:00 AM to see this start.
This is South Central Ohio.
I took this from my back door.
That's The Bosses grill under it's cover.

This was about 6:30 AM again from the back porch.

I really need to move south.
It was pushing 80 degrees all last week.
Tonight it should get down to 32 degrees.

I've got The Golden Compass to watch though.
I like that movie though I like the book a lot more.
Not much of a post but here's my new favorite Stumbleupon Picture.

THIS IS DIFERENT

2008-04-26T03:03:00.002-04:00

How the hell did he do that?

BANNED ADDS

2008-04-25T04:00:00.003-04:00

I can't figure out why they were banned.

That's some underwear.

Time for a new air freshener

Hasn't worked for me yet.

OH NO I DIDN'T!

2008-04-23T18:19:00.003-04:00

The only thing I did was remove the background and join them together.
The Hillary picture was included with an article speculating on the possibility of her being a lesbian.
I would never alter anyone’s awesome boobage.
I think I bookmarked about a million Photoshop tutorials and this is the one that I used for this.
Scared to click?

PHOTOSHOP IS FUN

2008-04-23T03:37:00.005-04:00

I finally got something to work in Photoshop.

Click to biggie size it.
Of course I might have violated a couple of Copyrights to do it.

DOG LOVER OR CAT LOVER?

2008-04-22T08:28:00.001-04:00

The Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...

HELLS BELLS

2008-04-22T01:14:00.002-04:00

I know it's lame but what the hell.

Rednecks, General asshats
Circle I Limbo

Creationists, Scientologists
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

The New York Yankees
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

The Pope, Republicans
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Uday Hussein, Qusay Hussein
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Osama bin Laden
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

NAMBLA Members
Circle VII Burning Sands

Saddam Hussein
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

George Bush
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell