Random ramblings from my beer soaked melon about politics, religion, sex, stupidities, nature, and any other subject that penetrates the haze. Sometimes crude and not for the faint of heart or people with normal intelligence, or an abundance of common sense.
Saturday, June 07, 2008

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

--Dave Barry

Cheers - Buffalo Theory

The Buffalo Theory as told by Cliff Clavin: No one can explain this as well as Cliff Clavin, on Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. and here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

The Beer Scooter

beer image

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night of drinking and thought 'How did I get home?'? As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the bar to your home.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter.

The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and bought a large batch of these magical devices.

The beer scooter works in the following fashion: The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the slurring gland begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beer scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal.

It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This generates the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money? Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI (unidentified drinking injuries - eg. often bruises and unexplained cuts, usually found on the legs and all over the body).

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles* cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences.

You may wake up next to this...

When you thought this is who you came home with.

I'm not slammed but I am on vacation so it's only a matter of time.

By the by I stole this from so many places I lost track of them.
posted by Nit Wit at 6:03 AM | Permalink |


  • At 8:49 AM, Blogger Lakota

    wahoo on the vacation Mr. Wit! and i love the beer buffalo theory... makes sense to me!

  • At 10:06 AM, Blogger yellowdog granny

    clift clavin was a fecking genius..
    some times i miss not having a beer with my chili, or a glass of wine with my sea food...but i sure don't miss those black outs, the need to say im sorry to a bunch of my friends, and creep out of some cowboys bedroom with my bra and panties in one hand and my boots in the other wondering how the fuck THAT happened..
    happy vacation..and more..more more posts..

  • At 10:08 PM, Blogger cathouse teri

    Hilarious post!