Random ramblings from my beer soaked melon about politics, religion, sex, stupidities, nature, and any other subject that penetrates the haze. Sometimes crude and not for the faint of heart or people with normal intelligence, or an abundance of common sense.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
MERRY CHRISTMAS YELLOWDOG GRANNIE!

I know he thinks he is the smart one but I still found a way to take over the Nitwit's blog to pass happy holiday wishes along to all my friends and thank Jackiesue for the stylish duds.


Little Bit has spoken!
 
posted by Nit Wit at 4:15 PM | Permalink | 6 comments
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Math for the Fast Lane
Mathematics is the most beautiful and most powerful creation of the human spirit.
Stefan Banach

I stole this HERE





________________________________________
This is why math is taught in school.
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.




"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why..........
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass everyday.
Statistically, half of these are driven by females.
That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Flip one off? ... I think not.



And you didn't believe it when the teacher told you to pay attention as you would need to know it later in life.
 
posted by Nit Wit at 10:01 AM | Permalink | 2 comments
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
I'VE FOUND MY LIFE'S PURPOSE
Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin



See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.



Gee, I never have found that brand of beer. I have found the one that makes me think everyone is pretty and thinks I'm fascinating.
I can't afford that brand anymore.
I'm a married man after all.

SIGH...
 
posted by Nit Wit at 6:51 AM | Permalink | 6 comments
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
GARBAGE IN GARBAGE OUT
Since when has the world of computer software design been about what people want? This is a simple question of evolution. The day is quickly coming when every knee will bow down to a silicon fist, and you will all beg your binary gods for mercy.
Bill Gates

I found this here and had to copy it.



Dear Tech Support
Item tagged with joke, technical support, husband
INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
NBA 5.0,
NFL 3.0 and
Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

=================================================================

DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend:
Cooking 3.0 and
Hot Lingerie 7.7.


Submitted by Phil Farmer
06 Dec, 2008
 
posted by Nit Wit at 6:41 AM | Permalink | 2 comments
Saturday, December 06, 2008
THE CIRCLE OF LIFE?
A man is born alone and dies alone; and he experiences the good and bad consequences of his karma alone; and he goes alone to hell or the Supreme abode.
Chanakya









I stole this somewhere.
It's around the net so maybe you have seen it before.






1994's Most Bizarre Suicide
Don Harper Mills

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Sciences, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story...

On March 23 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a gunshot wound of the head caused by a shotgun. Investigation to that point had revealed that the decedent had jumped from the top of a ten story building with the intent to commit suicide. (He left a note indicating his despondency.) As he passed the 9th floor on the way down, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, killing him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the 8th floor level to protect some window washers, and that the decedent would not have been able to complete his intent to commit suicide because of this...

Ordinarily a person who starts into motion the events with a suicide intent ultimately commits suicide even though the mechanism might be not what he intended. That he was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not change his mode of death from suicide to homicide, but the fact that his suicide intent would not have been achieved under any circumstance caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands...

Further investigation led to the discovery that the room on the 9th floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. He was threatening her with the shotgun because of an interspousal spat and became so upset that he could not hold the shotgun straight. Therefore, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the window, striking the decedent.

When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. The old man was confronted with this conclusion, but both he and his wife were adamant in stating that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. It was the longtime habit of the old man to threaten his wife with an unloaded shotgun. He had no intent to murder her; therefore, the killing of the decedent appeared then to be accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded...

But further investigation turned up a witness that their son was seen loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal accident. That investigation showed that the mother (the old lady) had cut off her son's financial support, and her son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that the father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus...

Further investigation revealed that the son became increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to get his mother murdered. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a 9th story window.

The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

This makes my head hurt but it's funny as hell too.
 
posted by Nit Wit at 7:48 PM | Permalink | 2 comments
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
IT'S HELL GETTING OLD.
 
posted by Nit Wit at 2:22 AM | Permalink | 3 comments
IT'S HELL WHEN LIFE PASSES YOU BY.






 
posted by Nit Wit at 2:12 AM | Permalink | 2 comments