Random ramblings from my beer soaked melon about politics, religion, sex, stupidities, nature, and any other subject that penetrates the haze. Sometimes crude and not for the faint of heart or people with normal intelligence, or an abundance of common sense.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
SO YOU WANT TO GET A CAT







I stole this HERE

I sometimes get the idea that I should get another cat but from now on I'll read this first.

You should take all the following steps to see if you are good enough to be owned by a cat.

Take cold chicken and stars soup straight from the can and splash it across the carpet and the foot of the bed and then walk in it in the dark with your socks on.

Set up a mouse trap at the foot of the bed each night so that if you move a toe one inch while you are sleeping, you are sure to get snapped.

Cover all your best suits with cat hair. Dark suits must use white hair, and light suits must use dark hair. Also, float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning.

Put everything cat-toy sized into a water bowl to marinate.

Practice cutting your chicken into teeny tiny bites so that when they steal, it won’t be the whole breast.

Tip over a basket of clean laundry, and scatter clothing all over the floor.

Leave your underwear on the living room floor, because that’s where the cat will drag it anyway (especially when you have company).

Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program and run to the TV shouting “No! No! Don’t chew on the electric cord!” Miss the end of the program.

Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the corner of the living room in the morning and don’t try to clean it up until you return from work that evening.

Gouge the surface of the dining room table several times with an exacto knife. It’s going to get scratched anyway.

Practice searching every closet and open cabinet door before you shut it.

Knock all small items off your kitchen counter.

Chew the eraser off every pencil in the house.

Take a fork and shred the roll of toilet paper while it’s still hanging up. Pull a few sheets off and scatter them around the bathroom.

Take a staple remover and punch two holes in every scrap of paper around the house.

Get a litter tray without a lid and mix in some tootsie rolls with cat litter and then tip it over right before the company comes. Make sure your guests get to find this before you do.

Buy a mixed bag of cat toys and stuff them under the refrigerator. Practice getting up at 2:00AM and fishing them out with a ruler or broom stick.

Take a warm cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it around yourself. This is the feeling you will get when your new cat falls asleep on your lap.

There now, once you’ve done all these, you’ve passed the test, and are ready to take on that little furry critter!



 
posted by Nit Wit at 1:54 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
Monday, December 21, 2009
SEASONS GREETINGS!
A classic holiday tune.







We're really rocking now!
 
posted by Nit Wit at 11:25 AM | Permalink | 3 comments
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Jackiesue says I hafta.
If it wasn't for the laws they speak of I would be in the same fix as they are.

Go ahead and post it yourself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OKgYwUrB4l8




\


Always seem to find ways to treat these people.
 
posted by Nit Wit at 10:36 PM | Permalink | 3 comments
CONGRESSONAL COUNTING
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
Mark Twain

The news this Saturday morning (when they can stop talking about snow in DC)is that there may now be 60 votes in the Senate for their health care bill.
The 60th vote is Sen. Nelson of Nebraska who opposed the bill until they said his anti abortion wording would be added. He was careful to point out that he would change his vote in the future if there is something he doesn't like added to the bill. Now I know that the Senate bill is useless. Nelson used to be an insurance company executive and then went on to be Nebraska's official responsible for regulating the insurance industry.

Old John McCain is still bitching about people being required to keep their rambling on the Senate floor within the time limits even though he was one who objected to giving another Senator extra time on the Iraq war vote.
It's the same kind of spoiled attitude he displayed on the campaign trail a few times. After watching the Senate a lot the last few months I see that it is a trait he shares with most of his fellow Senators.

There is not a peep out of Joe the Insurance company shill this morning. I guess when they told him he was out of speaking time he thought in meant forever. I like this video about him. It really captures his personality








Now I wonder who will be the next to say "Hay, I want special treatment too!" Because rest assured they are lined up waiting for an opening.
Of course the Senate is only 60 votes now. The Republicans have already cast their vote. Hell, 33 of them voted against the military funding bill this morning when they thought nobody was looking. You think they would have learned their lesson after voting nay on Al Franken's anti rape amendment earlier this fall.

I think that all the people in Congress, the House and Senate should be required to take Math reeducation. They sure can't count the number of people dieing every day as they delay and gut the Health Care Reform bills. All this we have 60 and we don't have 60 bull is really starting to piss me off. I have the perfect place for them to start the reeducation...









Of course the Count may be a little advanced for them, and the Republicans may boycot it because it comes from that Evil PBS network. You know, the one they tried to abolish back in the Dark Ages of the Gump. I thought about Romper Room but gave it up. I think it's off the air. I still worry about some of those guys watching shows with little kids in them though.

Then again as always I could be full of shit.
 
posted by Nit Wit at 11:13 AM | Permalink | 1 comments
Friday, December 18, 2009
REPUBLICAN ERA RERUNS
I wrote this a long time ago and figured if Jackiesue can do reruns so can I.
I knew I had mentioned Pat Robertson several times in the past.
So I decided I would see if I could get more than one comment on it this time.
You have to try to remember what life was like in the olden days though.
 
 
 
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Second Star To The Left And On Till Morning.
If we are going to teach creation science as an alternative to evolution, then we should also teach the stork theory as an alternative to biological reproduction.
Judith Hayes


Santa Clause, The Easter Bunny, The Tooth Faerie, Lepracans and their pot of gold, and the Bogyman under my bed.

I believe in all of the above.

There are people who are trying to make me believe that all of the things that they do are done by people or God.

Well I want them all taught in Kansas schools along with Evolution and Creationism.

Of course we will have to cut back on teaching Math and Science not to mention English and any non approved subjects like Art and Music, (other than Christian hymns, or patriotic marching music).

We can't teach the depiction of the human form as we are created in Gods image and He's shy.

Of course, we can't teach Sex Education. Let's face it sex is a myth and the only way to be a good person is through abstinence.

Of course the minute you get your Education and start making money you are free to find the perfect other, and go at it like bunnies to make more good Christian Solders who can fight whatever good fight people like Pat Robertson proclaim as God's will.

I can't go to bed now. I think Pat Robertson and Anne Colter are under my bed and will make me crazy like them. I can almost hear them whispering to me in my sleep.( Love Bush, Kill democratic leaders who oppose Bush.) For the record I have been in love with Bush from the time I knew what it was (Thank you Playboy).

Now this guy who is always on vacation, I think he is bug shit crazy and determined to bring about Armageddon to justify his beliefs.

All of you who voted for Bush/Chainy, a word of advice. Buyer beware!

I should say that this rambling rant is the result of reading about the Cabazon Dinosaurs.
This is a 45 foot concrete Apatosaurus on Interstate 10 near Palm Springs. It seems the attraction has new owners who are really big Intelligent design champions.

They say that the dinosaurs were created at the same time as Adam and Eve and were part of Noah's passenger list during the flood.

There is a $25 Million creationist museum in Petersburg Ky., They are putting evolutionists on notice that they are taking the dinosaurs back.

There are other Jurassic tourist attractions across the country that have been converted to religious dogma.

Peter Pan is my role model and I believe in Tinker bell, and always will.
 
posted by Nit Wit at 10:40 AM | Permalink | 9 comments
Monday, December 14, 2009
STEALING IS SO MUCH EASIER THAN THINKING

 
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed
http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/imgs/grey_loader.gif
of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
1 4. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved it’s full potential, that word would be ‘meetings’.
27. There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.
36. Your friends love you anyway.



 
posted by Nit Wit at 12:54 AM | Permalink | 2 comments
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Guess I Gotta Write Something
CHRISTMAS SURVEY

I stole this from Jackiesue to make up for the last couple that I didn't finish after she tagged me.
If you want to do it ...

1. Copy and paste the questions into your blog.
3. Answer the questions.



1. Have you started your Christmas shopping?
Its too early.

2. Tell me about one of your special traditions.
Wrapping gifts on Christmas Eve.

3. When do you put up your tree?
When I can't avoid it any more.

4. Are you a Black Friday shopper?
Not no but, HELL NO!

5. Do you travel at Christmas or stay home?
I hide in the house and pretend I'm asleep.

6. What is your funniest Christmas memory?
When I was 6 years old and got a 26" fancy 3 speed bike. It took me 3 days to figure out how to get on it without crushing my privates and then it snowed 3 feet over night. I lived just outside Buffalo N.Y. I rode that bike til I was 17.

7. What is your favorite Christmas movie of all time?
Gremlins.

8. Do you do your own Christmas baking and what's your favorite treat?
I usually do almost all the cooking for Thanksgiving and Christmas but not this year I guess.

9. Fake or real tree?
Fake. I am a tree hugger I guess.

10. What day does the actual panic set in to get it all done?
The day after Christmas.

11. Are you still wrapping presents on Christmas Eve?
That's when I start.

12. What is your favorite family fun time at Christmas?
Stuffing my face while I watch the disappointment in the kids eyes when they realize that they didn't get all the stuff they wanted.

13. What Christmas craft do you like the best?
The ones that nobody tries to sell me for there good cause.

14. Christmas music, yes or no? If yes, what is your favorite song?
Do I have a choice? They start pumping it out at you before Halloween. My ears are bleeding by Thanksgiving.

15 when do you plan on finishing your shopping.
When I run out of money. Which is pretty quick.

That's it I hope it makes your Holidays brighter.
 
posted by Nit Wit at 6:53 AM | Permalink | 2 comments