Random ramblings from my beer soaked melon about politics, religion, sex, stupidities, nature, and any other subject that penetrates the haze. Sometimes crude and not for the faint of heart or people with normal intelligence, or an abundance of common sense.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Judge Rules In First Ever Stumble Upon Divorce Case!



I stumbled upon this and stole it.

A farmer’s wife from Arlington, Iowa, won a landmark divorce case today citing “Stumbleupon” the popular online social networking site, as the main cause of the breakdown of her marriage.

The Judge ruling over the divorce summed up the whole affair stating “in all my days as a judge I thought I had seen everything, but I have never quite stumbled upon something like this. The kind of behaviour and language that has been demonstrated in this case has been rather interesting to say the least. I have to say I have learned something new today”.

Other witnesses who where brought in to give evidence confirmed that the situation had become untenable. One close family member said “it just isn’t normal, I have never in my life seen corn fields so tall and unkept and the poor cows, well they were left to roam as freely as they pleased”.

It is thought that the 38 year old man in question started to behave in a fashion unbecoming of an Iowa farmer just after he began using the social site stumble upon two years ago. Since then he has slowly withdrawn from both family and farm as he immersed himself in videos, websites and blogs offering everything from the banal to the bizarre.

After the Judge had ruled in Mrs Carters favour, she read out this statement in front of the court house.

“I am very pleased to have this whole nightmare behind me at last; the past two years have been pure hell. No respectable farmer neglects his responsibilities and just lets his cattle wander around like that. A few of the cows even managed to stumble upon a neighbouring farm and get branded along with their cattle, can you believe that?”

One waiting reporter asked Mrs Carter if he had displayed any other unusual or weird behaviour. She replied…

“Oh hell yeah, the cows and the corn fields are just the tip of the ice berg”

When asked what other kind of behaviour she had been forced to endure she shocked bystanders and reporters alike when she told them…

“Well it’s kinda embarrassing, but after sex he would shout out real loud, I LIKE IT, and then give me a big thumbs up. If that wasn’t bad enough he would then write me up a review. That had to be my lowest moment. But he also started asking me for reviews and thumbs up too and I didn’t have no clue to what he was talking about”.

A short while later Mr Carter emerged from the court house wearing a “Digg” T shirt and jeans and clutching what looked to be a notebook laptop. A reporter from a local daily asked him why he had allowed his cows to wander about in such a fashion. He simply replied…

“Caps lock OMG, LMAO, LOL loser”

This left the waiting reporters somewhat baffled and bemused.

Mrs Carter’s lawyer said that this was an unusual divorce to say the least and when challenged about the possibility of other cases like this coming to court he said he “most certainly hoped not”. It is understood that the judge who presided over the divorce has decided to take the rest of the month off in order to explore social networking in more depth, just in case.
 
posted by Nit Wit at 8:45 AM | Permalink | 7 comments
Sunday, June 22, 2008
MY NEW HUMANITARIAN CAUSE

We have to help any of our friends or family who have been corrupted by this scourge.

God save us from paper and ink.

 
posted by Nit Wit at 9:16 AM | Permalink | 6 comments
Saturday, June 14, 2008
YOU KNOW YOUR FROM CALIFORNIA IF...

I found this on a stumble and lost the link.



1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember if pot is illegal.

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney… really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember... is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they’ll give you one.

Thought for today: According to the EPA, lead particles in the air in Los Angeles cause six thousand deaths a year. Los Angeles residents call them ‘bullets.’
 
posted by Nit Wit at 3:19 AM | Permalink | 10 comments
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
MARRAGE BEFORE AND AFTER
 
posted by Nit Wit at 6:50 AM | Permalink | 5 comments
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
THIS IS PRETTY GOOD
 
posted by Nit Wit at 10:19 PM | Permalink | 8 comments
Monday, June 09, 2008
2008 Darwin Awards

I always love when these come out.
I found them here



By Koka Sexton • May 14th, 2008 • Category: Geek Break

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.

Eighth Place

In Detroit , a 41-year-old man, got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who ‘totally zoned when he ran,’ accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. Third Place After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.


RUNNER UP

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along thewalkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman’s cable, lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham’s leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle.. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham’s foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS…

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn, Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant’s unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him


Now that's for sure not the way I want to go.
 
posted by Nit Wit at 3:01 AM | Permalink | 5 comments
Saturday, June 07, 2008
BEER THE GIFT OF THE GODS

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

--Dave Barry









Cheers - Buffalo Theory

The Buffalo Theory as told by Cliff Clavin: No one can explain this as well as Cliff Clavin, on Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. and here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."







The Beer Scooter

beer image

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night of drinking and thought 'How did I get home?'? As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the bar to your home.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter.

The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and bought a large batch of these magical devices.

The beer scooter works in the following fashion: The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the slurring gland begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beer scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal.

It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This generates the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money? Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI (unidentified drinking injuries - eg. often bruises and unexplained cuts, usually found on the legs and all over the body).

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles* cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences.






You may wake up next to this...




When you thought this is who you came home with.













I'm not slammed but I am on vacation so it's only a matter of time.

By the by I stole this from so many places I lost track of them.
 
posted by Nit Wit at 6:03 AM | Permalink | 3 comments
Friday, June 06, 2008
MY NEW FAVORITE ADD
Apparently, this advertisement has created quite a buzz in Europe ..
Thought you might appreciate the subtlety of this ad, done by a Brazilian ad agency,
for a lubricating gel (K-Y equivalent).
They were trying to come up with an ad that is not offensive or tasteless.
The picture looks completely innocent until you notice the details... Understood the ad ?









The missing POLE says it all.
 
posted by Nit Wit at 9:31 AM | Permalink | 7 comments