Would work on me.

I feel a rant coming on.
The labor pains are about 6 minutes apart.
Too many assholes not enough time.
It won't be long now...





Who's your favorite asshole?

It's a sick world and I'm a happy guy.

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS ABOUT THE TOILET SEAT - USE THE SINK.

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.


Now I know how to survive as a housewife.

Too bad he's going to be the first one taken to the internment camp when marshal law is declared.

They didn't even talk about the health benefits of a Vegan lifestyle.
And now a bonus.

SHAKY OLD LADIES

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly
enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her
feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for
support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: “Dddooo youuuu hhhave
dddddiilllldosss?”

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out
laughing, replies: “Yes we do have dildos.
Actually we carry many different models.”

The old woman then asks: “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu
ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss
ththiick aand rrunns by bbaatteries?

The clerk responds, “Yes we do.”

She asks: ” Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww
tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?”

This is great.
I am not looking forward to a sequel though.

This is wrong on so many levels.






Brings new meaning to "I can lick anyone in the house."

Jackiesue said she was going to watch Michael Moore's Sicko.
Just after reading that I hit that silly Stumbleupon button and found this.
I had never seen it before.
Sometimes Stumbles can be spooky.




Strange prison.