Random ramblings from my beer soaked melon about politics, religion, sex, stupidities, nature, and any other subject that penetrates the haze. Sometimes crude and not for the faint of heart or people with normal intelligence, or an abundance of common sense.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Fighting Fanatics
I thought this was interesting.
I haven't tried this yet but it sure is a nifty idea.

Warren Nellis

Check out the profile. Sounds like my kind of guy!
 
posted by Nit Wit at 5:44 AM | Permalink | 10 comments
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Healthy Advice.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Unknown


I remember my Grandma giving me lots of advice when I was little. She even taught me to sew.
One of her sayings was “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”
I never really took that one to heart until today…










Click to biggie size!









And now for the health of the ladies...









Boy, I feel better already!
 
posted by Nit Wit at 6:03 AM | Permalink | 8 comments
Sunday, August 20, 2006
IT’S TOUGH TO BE A MAN

Do you know how tough it is being a man...? If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.


If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy. If you work too hard there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're pervert. If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a head ache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it Too often, you're oversexed. if you don't, there must be someone else.

NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! ........ THEY WANT TO!!

 
posted by Nit Wit at 9:31 AM | Permalink | 14 comments
Endings Are Just New Beginings
I use this nice little program called Stumbleupon when I feel like bouncing around the net to new and exciting places. I guess I do that too much because I got this message a little while ago.





Apology
Sorry – you have reached
The End of the Internet
This is the VERY last page.
There are no more links. No more exciting sites to visit – NOTHING.

Please turn off your computer and get a life!!!
Thank you for visiting the INTERNET.


So, I guess I have to ge a life now.


I have such a bad memory though, I could revisit all the places I have forgotten about.
The adventure continues…
(In reruns).
 
posted by Nit Wit at 5:03 AM | Permalink | 3 comments
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
RELATIONSHIP ADVICE
Now I understand.



Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.
Isadora Duncan








HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY
It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
________________________________________
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food




 
posted by Nit Wit at 2:25 AM | Permalink | 9 comments
The Cat's Version of the Rules
As anyone who has ever been around a cat for any length of time well knows, cats have enormous patience with the limitations of the human kind.
Cleveland Amory





Stole this from a secret Cat site that they go to while your asleep.

________________________________________
BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot.
HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for hampering:
1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book -- unless you can lie across the book itself.
3. When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen, and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.
WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.
LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses, and you probably will get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget the guests.


 
posted by Nit Wit at 2:04 AM | Permalink | 4 comments
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Government Gyms
If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.
Joey Adams



Well, it looks like some people are starting to pay attention to their physical condition. According to ABC there is a trend on capitol hill involving interns and the way they dress.








It seems that among summer interns in congress and the white house skin is in. The story they tell is that the sexier they dress the better their chances of attracting attention and landing a full time job.
I think they are just being modest though. I think they are more concerned with the health of our elected leaders.
There can’t be any other explanation for why the young ladies and gentlemen dress in a provocative manner. They are just making sure that the old gentlemen and ladies get their much needed aerobics workouts.










I’m sure the government officials also find more workout material on the internet with all that government provided bandwidth.
My only question is why do most of them spend a small fortune on cosmetic surgery and still look like shit?

My workouts are showing progress, I’ve turned my 6 pack abs into a full case without even trying.
 
posted by Nit Wit at 8:43 AM | Permalink | 7 comments
Sunday, August 06, 2006
BOOBY PRIZE
Find beauty not only in the thing itself but in the pattern of the shadows, the light and dark which that thing provides.
Junichiro Tanizaki


I have finally found a scientific study that I can get behind, and would not begrudge the tax dollars spent. Wouldn’t you know it was conducted in Germany?
I found an article on the web (stole from some blog) written by Jonathan Hayter. I have no idea where it was published.

In a 5 year study of 200 men (lucky bastards) Dr. Karen Weatherby wrote in the New England Journal of Medicine: “Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well endowed female was roughly the equivalent of a 30 minute aerobics workout.”

They found that those who enjoyed a longing look at busty beauties had lower blood pressure, less heart disease and slower pulse rates compared to those who did not get their daily eyeful. It also showed that engaging in this activity a few minutes a day cuts the risk of a stroke or heart attack in half, and the average man can extend his life four to five years.






It occurs to me that women looking at hot guys must have the same results.

I guess this means that when that woman tells you to stop staring at her boobs she is really telling you to drop dead.






In sad news today the Arlington Texas School Board added an amendment to the student dress code. It reads, in part, the display of cleavage is unacceptable. Low cut blouses, tops, sweaters, etc. with plunging necklines are not allowed.

Granted some of the clothes that are sold today targeted at young women frankly make them look like hookers but I can’t help think that they may have gone too far. They have already in most schools banned hot pants, mini skirts and halter tops.
Frankly if this was happening in the early 70’s when I went to high school I would have almost no incentive to stay in school.

“It’s gotten bad enough that, unfortunately, our young males are looking at more than their English book, their speech book, their science book,” says school board president Sherri Wade. “And, it’s kind of nice to have something left to the imagination.”

I think this might be another effort to undermine the long term health and fitness of our nation’s youth.

Frances Henson, an Arlington parent said, “I’m thinking that our daughters are growing up a little bit too fast these days.”
Someone should tell her that her parenting ideas are going to cause daughter to resent her and grow up quicker in spite of her efforts.

Most parents agree with the change while some worry that it could be a challenge to enforce. I agree as it would require male teachers to examine the cleavage of all the female students.


Well, I think I’m going to go and get in my Super Workout! Be back in 10 minutes or so.


 
posted by Nit Wit at 5:55 AM | Permalink | 15 comments
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
ALMOST FAMOUS





As close as I can figure it there have bee 2,573 U.S. Military deaths in Iraq since March of 2003. All but 537 of the deaths are considered combat fatalities. That seems like almost 20% accidental deaths. There have also been somewhere between 39,000 and 44,000 civilian deaths.
The reason I bring this up is that it seems strange to me that almost the only place where you get any detailed information about the solders who have given everything for their country is usually in local papers in their home towns. We all get to read about Cindy Sheehan’s son and might hear about the ones who were singled out by the sick members of that church that believes that the reason the solders are dieing is because of the acceptance of gays in the U.S. and see it as their mission to show up at funerals and cause even more grief to for the families.
Now suddenly, a solders death is national news and why? He happened to be the nephew of a U.S. Senator.
Marine Cpl. Phillip E. Baucus died Saturday in Al Anbar province in Iraq. The loss is just as devastating to his family as all the others before him; I don’t mean to minimize that but what about all the others?
The other thing that bothers me is that almost 20% are considered accidental deaths. If they hadn’t been sent all the way to Iraq would they be dead now? In my book that makes them combat deaths.
As for the Iraqi civilian deaths,

“We don’t do body counts.”
General Tommy Franks

Then again I could be full of shit.
 
posted by Nit Wit at 9:43 AM | Permalink | 8 comments
The Stumble Bum




My only question is: Was he drunk or just trying to walk and chew gum at the same time?
 
posted by Nit Wit at 8:07 AM | Permalink | 2 comments